Ways to Nurture a Confident Decision Maker

It’s never too early to instill self-confidence in your children, and you may learn along with them!

     We adults often struggle with decisions we make, from selecting the dinner menu to changing jobs to buying the right car. Some choices, of course, are bigger than others—and this is how our children feel as they learn and grow. They decide what toys they want to share, how they want to dress for school and which friends to make.

     To take the dread out of making decisions, parents and children both need to strengthen a key character trait: self-esteem. This characteristic is incredibly valuable for your child’s happiness and well-being throughout life. This development begins in early infancy and continues into adulthood, and when it’s nourished, your son or daughter will be more successful in school and life.

     Quite simply, self-esteem means having the confidence in one’s own ability to do anything. It also involves liking who you are as a person and believing in yourself. Early development of this thinking sets a firm foundation for your children. When they feel good about themselves, they are better able to feel liked and accepted and believe in themselves, which makes them more responsible and self-motivated. When they are confident, they will be better decision makers and have more willingness to believe that old adage if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

     Cultivating self-esteem begins at home when you make sure kids feel loved, safe and accepted. Some children may have more trouble believing in themselves than others, and it is up to you to recognize this and always praise your children for any job well done. Notice, too, when they put in hard work—regardless of the outcome.

     For a parent, letting go is hard, but parents need to allow failure to happen. The experience is an important learning tool and allows you to then encourage your children to try again. Create little helpers of your children, for example, in the kitchen, in the garden and in the laundry room. Then praise them for their efforts and be supportive and positive. You set a huge example when you put effort into your own daily tasks as a parent, and having that positive attitude makes all the difference.

     There are countless opportunities to create a self-confident child. Once, when my children had a chance to select a toy to give their cousins for Christmas, I noticed my son was always asking his sister, “Is this the toy I should choose?” She then made the decision for him. I made a point to tell him that whatever he chose, be it a stuffed animal, a Barbie doll or a baseball bat, it was his choice. This worrying about input from others can cause anxiety, and teaching your children to rely on their own opinions will serve them well in school and on into college and marriage.

     Child psychologists point out that more introverted children tend to be overthinkers, and learning how to make quicker decisions can be a development process. As parents, we can try to help guide children at a younger age. Remember to empathize but try not to solve the issue for them. Do listen without jumping in and don’t attempt to rob them of age-appropriate decision-making practice. If we always talk them out of it or into it, they rarely get the chance to practice their own decision-making and problem-solving skills.

     A family therapist suggests using words like “seems like” and “sounds like” to help children identify what they are feeling. For example, “It sounds like you are not sure you want a dog, seems like you are feeling stuck.” This makes them aware that their feelings are important and they can calm down and take time to think about and make their own choice.

     For girls, there is an important connection between risk-taking and confidence. Make sure you take the time to tell a daughter you cannot make the decisions for her—and make sure she knows you are confident she will make the right choice. Look for small moments to make choices. Perhaps in the grocery store you can let your son or daughter decide whether the family will have broccoli or green beans for dinner.

     As your children get older and become teens, keep the ball in their court as much of the time as possible. For example, if you are constantly directing your child to go out for the basketball team, when you hear him say he wants to go into acting, try not to steer him into something he is not good at. This robs him of opportunities to choose what is fulfilling for him.

     When we tell our children, “That didn’t hurt,” or “Wear your jacket or you’ll be cold,” we subtly undermine their own assessment of different situations. This hampers their growth into adults who trust their own opinions. Simply put the jacket in the backpack, Mom, so it’s handy if needed.

     Encouraging your children to make their own decisions will help them resist temptation when other friends are doing any activity they don’t think is a good choice. Help them get in touch with how they felt when they choose to follow their inner compass at an early age. This practice helps them recognize when that behavior does not match their goals or beliefs.

     Discuss learning to live with regret, and that part of making decisions is at times making the wrong ones. Let your kiddos feel regret and help them find ways to work through the discomfort, such as writing the regret on a piece of paper, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it away, or folding it into a paper airplane and sending it flying. This symbolic act holds a deep meaning and will stick with them. There is always a next time!

     It is quite normal for any child to struggle with self-esteem, and as a parent, you will always find ways to support your child through individual struggles and encourage positive self-esteem. The most precious gift you can give your children is love, a safe haven and nurturing relationship at home. This way they will know that whatever happens, they can count on you to never say, “I told you so!”

An avid outdoors girl, Judy Goppert lives in Lee’s Summit. She enjoys drawing on her personal experiences to write about the nuances of everything wonderful about life.

Sources: SanfordHealth.org, WashingtonPost.com