Be Better, Not Bitter: Navigating Through Tough Times

You can’t see the forest for the trees. Adults understand this adage. In other words, focusing on the small details or temporary aspects of a situation clouds our ability to see the bigger picture. And while we have had many years to see, finally, that forest in all its glory, our children are not so prepared.

For those little ankle-biters of ours, even the smallest difficult situation can seem insurmountable. In grief, sadness, and big feelings, children often mistake temporary emotions as permanent. To help them through, it is paramount we parents have our children’s back, no matter the circumstance. And like all things in parenting, the task certainly is not easy.

Here are eight ways to help your children navigate the valleys, so they can quickly get back to the peaks.

1. Unconditional love – Your children should never, at any time, wonder whether you love them. Whether they are experiencing something painful that is their fault, or completely out of their control, you must lead with love. Start difficult conversations with, “I love you, no matter what. Now, let’s talk about why you put glue in your sister’s hair.”

1. Turn off your mouth – This is not the time for grand speeches or well, when I was your age anecdotes. Just zip it. Ask your child to tell you the whole story, beginning to end, in her own words. Don’t rush her. Fight the urge to interject with questions. Stay still, maintain eye contact and listen with your whole body. This sounds relatively simple, but it’s one of the most difficult things in the world to do. Parents want to fix and make it all go away. But your children must learn to be the head coach in their own dilemmas. Let them.

1. Ask, don’t tell – If your child has gotten into a sticky situation, do your best to let him work the problem. Remind him that the answer is there, and you’ll find it together. What does he think the next step should be? If you think his solution isn’t adequate, explain why and offer an addendum. Never tell him what he’s suggested is wrong or bad. No one ever learned a lesson by being shut down. When you get to a resolution, praise him for working through it to come to the right answer.

1. Be humble – It may seem like the cloud floating over your child’s head is inconsequential. There are bigger problems are out there, right? Wrong. To your child, this problem in this moment feels overwhelming. Especially in these unprecedented times, everything feels amplified. A minor kerfuffle with a good friend might feel like the end of the world. A B+ for a normally straight A student could feel like the shattering of an expectation she didn’t even know she had created for herself. Don’t presume to know why your child is getting so down about an issue.

1.  Get support – Hold onto your hat because this might surprise you. You do not know everything. Not by a long shot. Every child has his own set of quirks and peculiarities that shape and form his reactions to tough times. Some of those situations are far enough outside our abilities to parent that additional help is needed. Counseling and therapy are great tools to utilize if your child’s sadness or dark times fail to improve in an acceptable amount of time—or worsen. Put your ego aside and recognize when the issue has gone past your own abilities.

1. Share your feelings – As a kid I remember I couldn’t wait to be an adult so I wouldn’t fear the basement anymore. What an interesting surprise I received when, as it turns out, I still skip the last basement stair, so a ghost doesn’t grab my ankles. Kids need to know their parents are human beings. It creates an instant bond when they realize they are not alone in their emotions. Share stories from your childhood that mirror what your children are experiencing. And though it might seem like their eyes are glued to the ceiling, know that the words are sinking in. It’s in a child’s contract to act like everything you’re saying is stupid.

1. Try a new approach – As kids grow up, they may not feel comfortable sharing everything with you face to face. Embarrassment or worries about being judged can keep us frozen in our fears. Remove the fear by offering a more detached approach. Create a box in your house like a suggestion box you would see at a store. Let your children know that every night you’ll check that box for notes. Anytime the kids needs help, they can write their problem or question on a piece of paper and put it in the box. When you read it, you’ll have the gift of time. You and your partner can gather your thoughts and address the note when you’ve processed how the issue can be handled. Your child gets the benefit of not having to say uncomfortable things out loud. Win, win, win.

1. Offer Praise – Times are hard. Harder than many of us have ever experienced. Give the kids a break. They are navigating through issues like acne and applying eyeliner, and their parents are home all the time. Make a true effort to praise them for the little things. Did they throw their lunch trash away without being told? This is a win! Thank them for what they bring to your life and reiterate how proud you are of them. Share with them that you know how difficult things are, and you are going to come out of it together. Better and stronger than ever.

Ways to Get Through the Tough Times Today:

Say, “I love you.” Maybe you already said it twice today. Say it again.

Have a snuggle session. Pop the popcorn and put on your child’s favorite movie. You are not allowed to look at your phone the entire time. Watch the movie, even if you’ve seen the teenage mermaid get legs 1,000 times. Be present.

1. Initiate a late-night surprise. If you have a teen who is struggling, trust that he loves nothing more than junk food at midnight. Set an alarm (because I know you go to bed at 9:30) and order a pizza. Eat it together and just talk.
2. Make your child your valentine. It’s the season to shower your spouse with love but surprise your kids by making a special Valentine’s package for them. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or overblown. The thought is truly what counts.

 Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.