Difficult Conversations with Kids
After you’ve regained your sleep and schedule after parenting through the baby and preschool years, it’s time to prepare yourself for the fun of educating your children and having some difficult conversations with your growing youngsters.
More discussions than just “The Talk” can be classified as “more serious conversations.” Other important but difficult discussions with growing kids include noticing differences in others, bullying, lifting a veil from a tradition, technology and screen time rules, death, puberty and scary world events. If you lead the conversation, have a plan and the proper tools, you can make these topics as easy to talk about as anything else. As Blair Vigil, mother of two, advises, “When I am preparing myself to talk to my kiddos, I always tell myself ‘Just the facts, ma'am.’ I try to just tell the truth with as much love and empathy as I can.”
With all topics, I look for books to be my main tool to introduce the subject I would like to address. This begins early on with picture books about kindness, differences, characters of various ethnicities and abilities, as well as important aspects of history. Picture books, both fiction and nonfiction, can be incredible resources. Then moving on to lifting the veil from certain holiday traditions, I have used and loved the book Love, Santa by Martha Brockenbrough.
“The Talk” can be a dreaded discussion for both parents and children alike, but it doesn’t have to be! First, start out using correct terminology for body parts when children are just learning words. This is important as they grow, so they can tell you if something hurts, is uncomfortable or if someone else touches them in an area that was uncomfortable or inappropriate. When you begin using terminology that can seem taboo early on, it becomes normal and not embarrassing for you or them. Utilizing books is a great way to introduce things and have some framework to work with instead of not knowing where to begin. Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi is a humorous entry into talking about our bodies which comes pretty naturally when potty training and bathing. It’s important to keep talking about all of their body parts in case they ever have a question or concern, just like they would if they had a sore throat. Terri Demarest, mother of three, wisely advises, “My husband and I like to speak to our kids about difficult topics together so that they know they can come to either one of us to talk or ask questions.” If you’re not married, make sure to tell your children who else they can go to with any questions, especially if you’re unavailable.
Other books for the younger crowd to educate and keep the conversation open about their bodies is It's Not the Stork! : A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris. If your children aren’t reading yet themselves, you can pick and choose how much you would like to read and expose them to, depending on their age and your comfort level. However, the sooner and more often you read books like this, the easier and more natural your conversations will be. You are also ensuring your children learn correct information before their peers start discussing things they may not know correctly. For a faith-based approach, there is also God Made All of Me: A Read-Aloud Story to Help Children Protect Their Bodies by Justin Holcomb and Lindsey Holcomb.
Even young children tend to come up with the question of “Where do babies come from?” Oftentimes, a new sibling growing in Mom’s tummy prompts the question. Again, beginning to explain in age-appropriate terms and levels at this age just helps build the foundation of further discussions as kids mature and understand more advanced concepts. Lay the groundwork while they’re young, and then as they grow older, they’ll ask more questions that you can answer truthfully, pulling back various “veils” depending on their maturity level. The “veils” can keep peeling off as they grow in maturity and can read on their own. It's Not the Stork!: A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends is a valuable handbook to refer back to for more detailed explanations as your children grow older.
As your children enter the preteen and teenage years, American Girl has a superb line of books for both boys and girls to guide you through discussing their changing bodies. I will continually praise and recommend these books because they guided these discussions so nicely. These titles include The Care & Keeping of You 1 and The Care & Keeping of You 2, Is This Normal? and Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys by Dr. Cara Natterson. Personally, I began reading these to my kids when they were around age 8. I try to make this a cozy one-on-one time with each kid periodically and will continue to refer back to these titles for a few years because the kids attain different bits and pieces of the information each time.
I love these books for children to understand their own bodies and to not be ashamed of entering puberty. I also think it’s so important to have a heads-up on what’s to come so they can feel empowered and to know what to do next in any situation. I also like the idea of my own kids being able to help explain things to their friends who might not be familiar with what’s going on or how to take care of themselves. I think this is also a great time to discuss what to do when they stumble upon or are shown something inappropriate on a screen, especially at a friend’s house when peer pressure can be a big deal..
This leads into the discussion of what your family rules are about technology and screen time and, most importantly, why? I find children accept rules a little better if they understand the reason behind it. Maybe your family values time together, so screens are only allowed in a group setting like playing video games or watching a movie together. Or maybe your family decides that all screens must remain in a public space to keep everyone accountable about what they are engaging in, or that Mom and Dad have access to viewing all online accounts of all kids to ensure their safety from strangers on the internet. There are many reasons to have rules for technology and screen time, so listing them out may help your children understand the dangers they are most likely unaware of.
Finally, simply keeping the lines of communication open throughout childhood is the best way to keep having conversations to ensure your children hear the truth from you and your household instead of from their peers on the school bus, at school, at a playground or at a friend’s house. Try thinking back to when you were their age and what you would have appreciated or benefitted from knowing and understanding better than what you did.
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 10, Mason, 9, and Slade, 6, and is entering into all sorts of fun new conversations and enjoying continually learning with her children.