Teaching Kids Self-Control

            As our children grow, they will face with many difficult choices. Each choice they make will determine their success in school, friendships and their future. Every parent’s goal is to raise kids who make smart decisions. So how do we begin to teach them to make good choices in the moment? The answer is by teaching them self-control. Self-control is defined as the ability to control oneself, in particular one’s emotions and desires, especially in difficult situations.

            Research shows that it is worth the effort to teach our kids self-control beginning at an early age. “Kids who displayed greater amounts of self-control at age 4 went on to earn better grades, were more popular with peers and teachers, were less likely to report problems with drug use and earned higher salaries as adults,” according to ThrivingFamily.com. On the other hand, ParentingScience.com points out that studies show that “[k]ids with poor self-control are more likely to have aggressive behavior problems … and are also more likely to experience anxiety and depression.” It is well worth the time and effort it takes to teach your children self-control now, so they will benefit from these skills later in life. Now that we have established the importance of self-control, how do we go about teaching it?

Encourage activities that teach self-control

Activities like sports, music lessons and clubs like Boy Scouts teach kids self-control. Children may not always want to practice, but spending the time to work on their skills will help them become more skilled. Parents can also encourage kids to play games that teach self-control, such as red light-green light and freeze tag. Having children spending time in solitary activities like puzzles helps them work toward an achievable goal on their own. All these activities will help your kids build their self-control without even realizing it.

Give kids responsibilities

Kids who have regular chores they are responsible for are more likely to learn self-control. Young kids often need reminders to help them be successful, but older children can be trusted to get tasks done by a certain time each week without frequent reminders. When kids are given tasks they do not always enjoy, they must use self-control to complete them. Taking the time to figure out what motivates your children will help them be successful, reach their goals and increase self-control.  For some children, motivation may be a reward for completing assigned chores, such as an allowance, an outing or time with a parent or friend.  Each child and family situation is different, so it may take a few attempts to figure out what works well for your household. 

Enforce limits

Setting limits for children and enforcing them is healthy for all families, but it also has the added benefit of teaching young children self-control. If a child’s ball rolls into the street, she has to make a quick decision whether to run after the ball or stop and ask an adult to retrieve it. A child who waits is showing that she understands the limits her parents have set and is exercising self-control as she waits to get the ball back. Enforcing limits at a young age and giving kids the choice to stay in the limits or step out of them (within reason) help them develop self-control. As children grow older, they will be able to use the skills they have learned from a young age to make better decisions when the consequences can be more serious.

Delay gratification and reward self-control

When teaching self-control, it is important to reward kids for waiting, for finishing the task and for their hard work over time. In today’s society, instant gratification is becoming the norm. When parents delay the reward, kids have a goal to aim for and they feel a sense of accomplishment because they have worked toward and completed their goals. This method not only teaches self-control but builds self-esteem and emphasizes the value of hard work.

Self-control is not something kids will learn overnight. That being said, it is never too late to start using these tips to build your child’s self-control. Playing board games and sports, setting limits, and rewarding your children for when they do have to be patient can all help them build these skills they will need in the future.

Self-Control and Discipline

Quite often, young children become upset when being disciplined. Teaching children to respond positively to correction helps build self-control. Try these tips:

• Teach children to work through their emotions.
• Don’t brush off their feelings; rather, talk through them.
• Model appropriate behavior and self-control.
• Enforce limits and praise children when they make good choices.
• Be consistent with discipline.

Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer and stay-at-home mom living in Olathe with her husband and their six children.