Get Your Teen to Open Up

Strategies for talking to your child

    Remember when you had a toddler who never stopped talking and asking questions? There were days you probably wished you could wear earplugs, just to get a little peace and quiet. Then, almost overnight, your kid clammed up. Or perhaps he was a little on the quiet side to begin with, then bloomed into a full-fledged introvert. 

    Welcome to the tween and preteen stage. A common side effect of not being little anymore: Talking with Mom may be the last thing on a kid's mind.

The good news, though, is that you can jump-start the conversation again. To get it going, take a look at moms' biggest worries on the conversation front and some simple solutions for staying connected: 

    I think my son is anxious and stressed, but he just won't say what's bothering him. 

    Imagine what it might feel like for your son to say, "Hey there, Mom. I'm starting to have some feelings about girls. Can we chat?" It can be scary or embarrassing for him to bring up touchy topics. And a lot of topics are touchy to kids this age. Try a tactful game of 20 Questions. 

    "Open with something such as, 'It seems like you're upset. Do you want me to try to guess what's bothering you?' Then ask your child to tell you if you're hot or cold," suggests Laurie Zelinger, Ph.D., a child psychologist. You could also ask if he wants to write a note for you to read. Anything that takes your child off center stage may help him open up. If he's not ready to talk, let him know you're always available later, and then let it go for now. 

    Sometimes the indirect approach works even better. When you're hanging out with your child and he's feeling comfortable, resist the urge to probe. Beat around the bush a little instead. Ask a question like, "Hey, if you were interviewed by a reporter, what would you tell him are the best things about fourth grade? And the worst?" Or "If a genie gave you three wishes right now, what would they be? And if the genie could erase three things that really worry you, what would those be?" 

    Yes, your smart kid may figure out what you're up to. But that's okay, according to Zelinger. If he really does want to tell you what's on his mind, he just needs a safe way to do it. 

    "My kid's never been much of a talker. Am I doomed now?" 

    This is a tough one -- especially for parents with a natural gift of gab, like Mary MacRae Warren. She has no problem saying what she feels, but no amount of pushing can get 10-year-old son, Azar Shrestha, to open up when he doesn't want to. So Warren changed tactics. 

    "My dirty little secret is that I started playing video games, watching cartoons, reading comics -- things my son likes," says Warren. "Every now and then when we're talking about these things, I can slip in something else." Sneaky? Perhaps, but also loving, because you're finding common ground with your child, says Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can also try to notice other times your quiet child seems receptive to conversation. "Boys, particularly, seem to open up a bit more when they're sitting beside you rather than face-to-face. So keep your ears open when you're alone with him on a car ride or working on a project together at the kitchen table," says Zelinger. 

    Just remember to let your child start the conversation -- and then listen without judging or jumping in with advice. If your child complains about friends or school, don't dismiss what he's saying or try to talk him out of what he's feeling. “That's the fastest way to get him to clam up again,” says Faber. “Instead, nod to let him know you're actively listening, or say something neutral like 'Sounds as if that could be pretty upsetting.' The idea is to let him know that you really do get what he's trying to tell you.” 

    All I want to know is how school was. What do I do with these short nonanswers? 

    "Fine." "Not really." "I don't remember." These kinds of clipped responses can make you crazy! 

    All kids need downtime after an intense day of learning and social drama. Think about how you feel after a grueling day. Wouldn't you rather kick off your shoes and relax before giving your spouse the blow-by-blow of what happened at work? 

    "Instead of interrogating your child, try a warm, low-key 'Hi! Welcome home! I'd love to hear about your day whenever you feel like talking,' " says Faber. Your child might choose to talk with you later, or she might not -- and that's okay, too. "Some kids don't feel the need to hash everything over with you," she explains. "Instead, they use the time to let their own thoughts and solutions grow. They're developing their own resilience, and that's wonderful."

To prime the pump of conversation, try asking more specific, open-ended questions like "What did you work on in art class today?" or "What do the kids actually do at recess?" It's even fair game to ask "Did anyone get in trouble or do anything funny today?" or "What was the worst thing about today and what was the best?" Give your child time to answer. Some kids need to ponder the question for a few minutes before deciding what to share. The trick is not to push too hard. 

    If you have tried many conversation approaches but still can't get through, it may be time to get in touch with the school. You might get some new information that makes it easier to start the conversation at home. Clinical psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., author of Stressed-Out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure encourages parents to pursue this approach. “You're expected to be your child's advocate when she's this young,” says Cohen-Sandler. “And talking to her teachers isn't the same thing as reading her diaries. It's another way to get information.” 

    There can be other reasons for unhappiness that are hard for kids to articulate: bullies, fickle friends, embarrassment in gym class. Teachers may have insight into all of these things; a new perspective may be just what you need to help you break through to your kid. 

    "I don't know why he isn't talking to me -- he just has so much less to say than he used to." 

    Your son used to tell you about everything, from neighborhood kid battles to the latest music fads. Now he just rolls his eyes and says, "Mom, you totally don't understand." Being shut out this way can feel almost as painful as childbirth. But hang in there -- this is usually just a phase. "The truth is that kids this age aren't pulling away from you, really. They're pulling closer to their peers," says Cohen-Sandler. Teens especially are hypersensitive about what their friends think of them and how they fit in, so that part of their life is probably getting more attention than family right now. 

    Try this secret weapon: Carpool. "Offer to drive your child and his friends somewhere, then fade into the background. You'll overhear just about everything you want to know: Which kids are 'dating,' who's getting in trouble. The kids will forget you're there!" suggests Cohen-Sandler. (But don't throw in a comment -- the chattering could cease, or they might start texting each other instead!) 

    One more thing: Watch for those few-and-far-between moments when your child actually reaches out to you. If he used to love going out to breakfast with you and doesn't totally balk at it now, hang on to that special routine. Or if your usually standoffish daughter plops down beside you while you're watching TV, pay attention. In teen language, that's sending a loud-and-clear "Hey, Mom! I need you!"