Say It Better

Ask just about any parent: talking to their preteen or teenager is a dangerous minefield. One wrong word can set off an explosion. Learning to talk to your teenager is important to keeping peace at home and staying connected in your child’s life.

We have all experienced how Ann Bertoldie, Liberty mother of two teenagers, feels when she describes how she thought she was going to be different than her mother: “When I was growing up and going through the normal ‘arguments’ that teens go through with their parents, I would think to myself, ‘I will never do this with my child’ or ‘I will never say that to my child’. . . Now, I find myself in situations where I think to myself, ‘Oh, no—I’m sounding just like my mom!’” Many parents find themselves in similar situations and cannot understand why they are having trouble communicating with their teenager.

Doug Davis, a father of two teenagers and a psychology teacher at Liberty North High School, explains why it is difficult for parents and adolescents to agree. “Teenagers have different thought processes as their brains are still developing and will be developing until ages 21-25,” he says. “Teenagers bring much more emotional response into the thinking process, while parents are able to use rational thinking, planning, problem solving.”

These obstacles may seem insurmountable, but with some effort and work, communicating with your teen can become easier. Showing love and acceptance is key to this communication, even when it might be a struggle.

“Studies have increasingly shown that conflict in the home decreases when children/teenagers feel completely loved and accepted.  Parents must lay a solid foundation of complete love and acceptance with their children from day one.  If this foundation is solid and children feel completely loved, valued and accepted unconditionally from their parents, this increases positive, more efficient communication,” Davis says. 

This foundation of love needs to be established early, as it can be difficult to show this love and acceptance when a teenager is testing the boundaries.

“When my 18-year-old daughter went to college and a month later pierced her eyebrow, did I freak out? On the inside, well. . . maybe a little. On the outside, and more importantly to her, no,” Bertoldie says. “I let her know it was not my favorite thing, but it certainly was not going to make me love her any less. I knew that she was testing her wings and would eventually grow tired of it.”

Choosing your battles is also important when you’re the parent of a teenager. If you argue and fuss with teens over the little things, then they are less likely to listen to you on the big things, the times you want them to listen to you the most.

“I’ve learned that constant nagging does more harm than good. Nagging my children only pushes them in the opposite direction. I’ve found that if I can talk in normal tones, use calm body language, be rational in my thinking and use solid reasoning, the outcome is usually positive,” Bertoldie says.

Diana Nolan, Liberty mother of three teenagers, agrees with Bertoldie about staying calm when dealing with a teenager.  “The one thing to avoid is stooping to your teenager's level—easier said than done.  Your teen will throw attitude at you and the most important thing is to remain calm and remember you are the parent,” she says.

When the argument does become heated, do not continue to engage the teenager, because the result might be undesirable.   “When I feel that I might say or do something that I will later regret, I remove myself from the situation,” Nolan says. “I go out for a walk to let myself calm down.  I don't lose my cool very often, so when I do walk away, the kids know they've gone too far.”

Bertoldie offers advice for any parent: “Life is just too short to get all wrapped up and bent out of shape over the little things. The older I get, the more often I’m reminded of this. More often than not, I just want to hug my kids and tell them how proud I am of them.”

Jennifer Higgins is a free-lance writer, mother and teacher from Liberty who tries to use these same strategies on her daughters.