Setting a Curfew (and sticking to it!)

Yikes! You have a teenager! And that teenager probably wants more freedom, right? If you are fighting the curfew battle, here are some tips to help you navigate these choppy waters of parenting teens.

To begin, it is important to work with your teenager to establish a fair curfew. Find out first what your child thinks is a reasonable hour and go from there. She will be more willing to work constructively with you if she feels she has a say. If the hour she suggests is inappropriate, find out why she chose it. What time do her friends have to be home? What exactly does she anticipate doing out until that hour? With more information, you can work together to reach a compromise.

Equal in value to compromise is flexibility. Having a hard and fast curfew time for any and all evening events can present difficulties. First of all, if you, as the parent, are willing to discuss the possibility of a later curfew for a specific event, you are extending an opportunity to your child to prove his trustworthiness. Also, this means you have asked questions. What is this event? Ask your child to tell you what makes it special enough to request a later curfew. This is a win-win: you get more information about what your teenager will be out doing, and he feels empowered with a bit more freedom. On the other hand, if you set an 11:00 curfew for every Friday and Saturday night, no questions asked, you are less likely to get that information you need to ensure he is safe.

Senior year, specifically, is an appropriate time to grant more freedom and flexibility as your teen prepares to leave home. Loosen the reins a bit during this time so he learns how to appropriately and safely handle more responsibility.

As you grant flexibility and compromise, however, there is one rule you should not bend on: proper communication. Parents of teens today have the benefit of modern technology—kids have their own phones! Just as missing curfew may result in a punishment, so too should there be a consequence if your child fails to adequately communicate by call or text that she is running late. Lack of communication is unacceptable and should result in revoked privileges.

If your child argues with you over the rationale of curfews, try to explain to him why they are necessary. Curfews are safety measures. The later your child is out at night, the more likely he will encounter drivers on the road who are intoxicated or overtired behind the wheel. Also, teenagers need rest. They have busy lives of academics, sports, extracurricular activities, part-time jobs and social events. They need energy and proper health to maintain such an active schedule.

So what is an appropriate teenage curfew? Parents often set a weeknight curfew and a weekend curfew. Teenagers need their sleep just as much as young children do, and they often have studying and homework that should take priority. Curfew times need to make sense for your family and your circumstances, but older teenagers commonly are expected to be home on weeknights around 9:00 or 10:00 and on weekends between 11:00 and midnight.

Uh-oh. Your son missed curfew! Now what? It is crucial for parents, as they assign consequences, to be calm and fair. Taking drastic measures and grounding their child for a month for a first offense may backfire. A more effective strategy might be to roll the curfew back 30 minutes or an hour and allow the teenager to earn the previous curfew time back. If she becomes a repeat offender, however, then more severe repercussions (such as grounding or taking away her phone temporarily) are suitable. Cutting a teenager off from her friends and social calendar is often effective (and necessary), but only for a child who has continued to make poor choices and has been previously warned.

Karen Johnson is a former high school English teacher turned stay-at-home mom. She lives in Olathe with her three children, ages 5, 3 and 1. Follow her adventures at 21stCenturySAHM.blogspot.com.