Make No Mean NO

One of my boys’ favorite books is Dr. Suess’ Horton Hatches the Egg. In it, Horton the elephant honorably offers to serve as what might be the least likely substitute mom one could think of when the mama bird, Mayzie, decides she would rather fly off on a vacation than fulfill the duties of caring for her egg. Horton takes her place and, in doing so, endures wind, rain and snow all the while voicing his mantra:

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant… an elephant’s faithful one hundred percent!”

Dr. Suess might have been a comical children’s writer, but in the midst of this silly tale, he provides some sage parenting wisdom within Horton’s creed. Children hunger to know that their parents say what they mean and mean what they say. And even though they might protest, it is no truer than when you, as a parent, lay down the law and say no. Just because you need to set limits doesn’t mean they will always be well accepted, but learning how to be consistent will help you develop credibility with your child as someone who is secure in his or her answers.

Getting there can be a process, though. We’ve all seen (or—cough, cough—may have) a child who’s thrown a fit in the grocery store all because he didn’t get what he wanted. Just how do you come to a place where, when you say “no,” your child no longer begs, pleads and whines in response?

First and foremost, establish a clear definition of what obedience is. Within our home, we use the phrase “obedience is right away, without delay and with a happy heart.” There are certainly other ways to get the point across, but it’s helpful for children to know that obedience takes place in the immediate (because if it were on their timetable, it wouldn’t be obedience!) and is done in a respectful way.

Arguing and back-talking are learned behaviors that come about when a child thinks he can wear his parents down until they will eventually give him a different answer. Thankfully, these negative habits can be undone when a child learns that it’s not worth the effort, because his parents are resolute and unswayed. Parents must acknowledge that these behaviors prohibit obedience in two ways: They prevent obeying in the now, and they are a symptom of disrespect for parental authority.

If your child is insistent on nagging or negotiating when you’ve told already them no, avoid engaging in the conversation further. Lynn Lott, author of Positive Discipline, recommends using a method called “Asked & Answered.” Let’s say Johnny asks if he can have dessert for breakfast, and you tell him no. Instead of engaging in a battle of future protests, let Johnny know after he asks again that you have already answered his question and you are not the type of parent who will change your mind by being asked over and over. Throughout time, if you maintain this technique, all you need to tell your children when they plead is “Asked and answered.”

Some children may be less inclined to challenge but instead disobey simply from a lack of focus. If your child is highly distracted, have him make eye contact and repeat back to you the rule that you just established to confirm he understands your expectation. Do not count to three as that invalidates your request to obey now. Limit your no’s to what is absolutely non-negotiable. If you’re willing to reconsider, say maybe.

Kansas City mom Karen Lang has found that consistency is key. “Realistically ‘no’ doesn't stick the first time.” she says. “Not watering your ‘no’ down by giving in will help children learn over time that your no is no, not a maybe-worth-trying-to-manipulate-into-a-yes.”

Gladstone mom Robin Carroll agrees, adding that finding her children’s form of currency sealed the deal. “We’ve made certain that our kids know what is acceptable and what the consequence will be if they decide to do the unacceptable. When things come up that we haven't talked to them about, we will give them one warning, along with the consequence if they choose to continue the behavior.”

Remember that it’s your job to enforce limits, not control how your child reacts to them. Overland Park mom Val Uria adds, “There is no harm in offering a hug to maintain a healthy relationship and separating out your affection from the action denied.”

Freelance writer Lauren Greenlee and her family live in Olathe.