Moving On To Middle School

    Last summer I sat in a Chinese restaurant with one of my nieces and her friend. Both sixth-grade graduates were confident, smart, athletic, beautiful. When I managed to barge into the conversation, I asked, “So, are you guys ready for middle school?” 

    Suddenly their confidence vanished. “No way! All those teachers? Showers in PE? What if I forget my locker combination? Do you know they only give us four minutes to get to our classes? And what about homework? Plus, I probably won’t know anybody in my lunch period, and even if I do, by the time you get through the line you don’t even have time to eat!” 

    I changed the subject. 

    If you’re a parent facing middle school with your child, you may have witnessed a similar freak-out. Chances are a few of the things on my niece’s list have occurred to your kid, too. You may even have a few questions yourself: How will my disorganized child juggle his schedule? What if she’s a target for bullies? How will he deal with peer pressure? You’ll soon find yourself the parent of a teenager, but area experts say it won’t be so bad if you come to the table prepared.

Recognize The Fears. 

    “In sixth grade, I notice the anxiety building about the unknown,” says Denise Sandusky, a social worker at Trailridge Middle School in Lenexa. “The unknown” can include everything from how to open a locker to the fear of getting stuffed inside one. (Sandusky swears she’s never seen that happen.) Your kid’s skewed vision of middle school comes from TV, the movies and horror stories told by friends and family. LoLeeta Cordel, a social worker in the Shawnee Mission district for more than 10 years, says kids don’t realize that “for the first six to eight weeks, they still get a lot of handholding.” 

    But while kids worry about middle-school logistics, most catch on quickly to the routine. More tricky, says Cordel, is “adjusting to how to balance freedom with responsibility.” Suddenly the middle schooler is expected to budget her time, record homework assignments and get to class promptly with the right supplies. “It’s a big leap, where you start monitoring yourself and setting up some discipline,” Sandusky agrees. 

    The new freedom can be heady for teens. “They have a false sense of adulthood,” says Cordel, and when parents intervene, kids resist. Cordel explains the mindset as: “I can handle all this responsibility and you guys just want to tell us what to do.” A once wise parent suddenly looks like a power-tripper.

Danica Fuimaono, assistant principal at Blue Springs’s Moreland Ridge Middle School, agrees that parents take a backseat to peers, and social life is what drives kids of middle-school age. “It’s the most quickly evolving stage of development. They come into their own and are trying to figure out who they are,” Fuimaono explains—a task just as challenging as the academic side of school life. 

    But even while learning to be independent and responsible, adolescents don’t have to go it alone. Parents can do plenty to ease kids through the middle-school transition.

Plan Ahead. 

    Before the school year starts, says Cordel, prepare your kids to take on more responsibility. Start requiring more help around the house, and set up consequences if kids don’t meet expectations. “Cause and effect is probably the best lesson you can teach kids,” says Cordel. As the summer winds down, approach middle school gradually. School offices open about three weeks before school starts, allowing ample time to visit and walk around. Gloria Helmer, a Lee’s Summit assistant principal, advises parents to walk through the child’s schedule if it’s available, or if not, at least pick out landmarks like the gym, cafeteria and library.

Keep It Together. 

    “Organization is key to a student’s success in middle school,” Helmer says. Insist your child use a homework planner to track assignments and long-term projects. Don’t micromanage, but do drop the parent attitude and ask open-ended questions, like “How do you plan to structure your time so you can go to basketball practice and still get your history project finished?” The goal is to teach your kids how to be problem solvers.

Don’t Let Your Guard Down. 

    “It’s important to monitor and keep track” of grades and activities, says David Carlson, assistant principal at Campbell Middle School in Lee’s Summit. Check planners and homework often. The place where parents get left behind, he adds, is the world of teen technology. “Now they have Facebook and cell phones and text messaging,” says Carlson, and “if we want to understand how these kids communicate, we need to be familiar with that stuff.” Fuimaono agrees that parents can learn a lot from their child’s Facebook page.

Maintain Open Dialogue. 

    “Middle-school kids shut down the minute you offer your judgment,” Fuimaono cautions. “Sometimes they just need to vent.” If your teen comes to you with a problem, don’t solve it; talk through solutions together. “The message parents give those kids when they just jump in and handle it is, ‘I don’t think you’re capable of handling this yourself,’” says Sandusky, and kids end up feeling inadequate and victimized. Cordel agrees: “You cripple them when you don’t let them learn from their mistakes.” 

    Parents find it hard to watch kids struggle, but middle school is the prime time to practice problem-solving skills, say the experts. Fuimaono predicts that you’ll also see amazing development and growth, and it’s time to celebrate their coming into their own. “Don’t try to fast-forward through it; just enjoy the present,” she says, because you’re about to watch your sons and daughters emerge as young men and women. And given support and encouragement, they’ll head into high school with the tools they need for their next big transition—to adulthood.

Claire M. Caterer is a former attendance clerk at Indian Woods Middle School. She frequently writes about parenting issues.