Say Goodbye to Mom Burnout

Whether you have one child or a passel of children, stay at home or work full time, have teenagers or toddlers, send your kids to school or homeschool, motherhood is all-consuming. If you’re not with your kids, chances are you’re either preparing for when you will be with them next or you’re worried about them while they’re not in your presence. (I hear this doesn’t particularly go away when your kids get older either!) Parenting is a 24/7 investment in a life outside of your own. This coupled with a handful of factors—a cultural shift for hyper hands-on parenting, a lack of face-to-face connection plus instant access to the curated version of other moms’ lives on social media, as well as lack of family support—are leading causes for mom burnout. What is mom burnout, you may wonder. Symptoms include feeling:

• Overwhelmed, tired and stressed, regardless of how well rested you are.
• Overextended and as if there isn’t enough of you to give to all that you’re responsible for.
• Increasing disinterest in your child’s interests or activities.
• Guilt and shame for not loving being a mom or feeling like a failure as one.
• Constantly second-guessing yourself.
• Short-tempered, numb or disconnected from relationships with family and friends as a result.

If you find yourself identifying with these challenges, you’re not alone. Mom burnout not only impacts the matriarchs of a family, but can also deeply impact a marriage and children. While there aren’t over-the-counter prescriptions for mom burnout, there are many ways to go about remedying it.

The first step is to realize that mom burnout doesn’t happen overnight. Prolonged states of excessive stress over time are what lead to physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. At its inception, moms may feel overwhelmed because of circumstances such as enduring a sleepless night with a newborn. But when chronic stress pervades, it can lead to generalized anxiety, depression, insomnia and loss or increase in appetite. Be kind to yourself as you reestablish healthy boundaries and give yourself grace and patience in the process.

The second step is critical: Focus your efforts on what you have control of. Mom burnout can seem inescapable when you feel trapped in your circumstances. And the reality for many of us is that we can’t lighten our load instantly. Start with what you do have control over: your schedule, your expectations, your self-care and your boundaries.

External Factors

Dawn Madsen lived for the day she could be a mom. But after having four children, she found herself at a loss. Her dream job was causing her extreme anxiety and frustration. She quickly realized that her biggest sources of stress were induced by home management. Overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that was taking over, Dawn decided to research better organizational practices. But after listening to minimalist Joshua Becker’s podcast, she realized that her issues didn’t derive from a lack of organization. They stemmed from simply having too much inventory to manage. In an effort to simplify her family life and reclaim joy, Dawn and her family eliminated over 80% of their household items. She now creates content encouraging others to do the same at her website The Minimal Mom.

“Material possessions didn’t make me happy,” Dawn notes. “They didn’t make life more enjoyable. It was the opposite! That stuff was mocking me on a daily basis, and I wanted it out of my life. I didn’t want to waste my precious time and energy by managing stuff anymore!”

One of the easiest ways to reclaim your time as a mom is to eliminate the things in your life that are taking you away from your primary values. Saying “no” to one thing means saying “yes” to another. So, if you need more downtime with your kids, it may look like saying “no” to fun yet unnecessary extracurriculars, putting restrictions on your own social media use or getting rid of physical items that require more of you than you’re getting from them in return.

Internal Factors

Moms tend to be their own worst enemies, heaping guilt and shame on themselves for not doing all the things. We forget that our kids don’t need perfect parents; they need “good enough” parents. Oftentimes, stress comes in the form of placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves that no one else is placing. We can’t be all things to all people. Moms can easily feel guilty about this but they shouldn’t. Developing personal boundaries preserves your energy for what really matters. Only sign up for what you’re willing and capable of participating in at 100%. Pick up store-bought cookies instead of baking homemade ones for the bake sale if you don’t have time. Prioritize time for self-care. Get sunshine, drink plenty of water, develop a personal hobby and make sure you’re guarding time for sleep, being alone and being with others. Likewise, realize your limitations may account for your children’s strengths.

Learning to let go of unhealthy expectations gives freedom to allow help to come in many forms. Delegating work to your spouse, in-laws, parents, a babysitter or your older children means that things may not always be done to your standard. But allowing others to share in the workload can help alleviate the stress that comes with having to do things your way.

Develop Joy

Being a mom is often a thankless role. Overnight, moms can often lose their identity in being a caretaker and lament in losing themselves in parenthood. It’s culturally trendy to engage in playing the victim, but make no mistake, constant complaining is the fast track to growing bitter and resentful. So just how do you find joy when you’re “on empty”?

-Care for your children for the right reasons. As Cindy Singleton says in her article “Mom Burnout”:

Motherhood is no joke. We’ve been entrusted with building a foundation of unconditional love, security, and safety for our children. No one else on earth can influence your child in the same way you can. And no one else will waste a second thought on the issues you lose sleep over.

You play an invaluable role in the life of your child. Appreciate the gift it is to do something so great.

-Treasure the ordinary moments. Our years are made up in large part of mundane activities: carpool lines, running errands, making dinner and ushering in bedtime routines. These moments aren’t keeping us from the good stuff. They are the good stuff. When your kids look back on their childhood, they’ll remember how they felt during those very average days.

Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe boymom of four ranging from teenagers to toddler.