Staying calm and present while parenting

Being a parent comes with various stresses that so often consume our thoughts. Are my children growing and developing properly? Are they making wise choices? Are they prepared for the difficult things they will face in life?

If we focus on the stresses, we can miss out on the wonderful moments parenting has to offer. To become more focused on the joys of parenting as opposed to the challenges, we first need to recognize when we are letting our anxieties get to us.

Cary Corley, a counselor with Lakewood Family Therapy in Lee’s Summit, says people are becoming anxious when they dwell on a thought continually like a cow chewing cud. He says when people go into that spiral of thinking, they begin to go into fight or flight mode and perceive things as threats that might not be. For example, just because a child takes something from your desk does not mean she is one day going to end up in jail for stealing, but when anxieties build, it might be hard to convince yourself otherwise.

Before reaching that point, recognize the cause of your stresses, counselor Sara Ratliff says. Spending time processing our own stories can help us recognize what events and situations prompt us to anxiety, why they are triggers and how we can respond to those things in the future.

“If we have anxiety from our past that we have not fully processed, it can come up with our children,” Ratliff says.

She also highlights how important it is to recognize what stresses us because it will stay under the surface if we do not deal with it. In turn, the more we have processed our own anxiety, the more we can help our children process whatever they are going through.

“Sometimes our kids are upset, and we don’t know why,” Ratliff says. “If we are calm in those moments, it is easier to explore what is happening with them.”

One source of anxiety might be having unrealistic expectations for our kids in various aspects of life, whether that be academically, socially or athletically. While we might be well-meaning and want the best for them, we might unwittingly be putting a lot of pressure on our kids and then become filled with anxiety when they do not meet our expectations.

“Everyone has expectations, and those expectations come from dreams,” Corley says.

It’s also important to talk to your children about the dreams you have for them, Corley says. Then expectations become more palatable for children if they understand the dream. For example, if your dream for them is to go to college, talk about that goal you have for them. In turn, your kids will better understand why you have made it an expectation for them to turn in all their homework.

Similarly, if your dream for your children is for them to be kind and generous people, they will be more willing to share their toys and play well with others if you help them understand why being a loving person is important.

Ratliff says it is essential to keep an open line of communication with our kids to see where they are in terms of their interests and expectations for themselves. She encourages parents to make it a team process and enable children to feel they have a voice. The more we understand our children and are on the same page, the fewer anxieties there will be.

Anxiety can also arise when we put pressure on ourselves to be the perfect parents. After all, we will inevitably make mistakes and let ourselves down. Keep in mind our children are not looking for the perfect parents, but rather parents that are present, authentic and teach life lessons through everything.

“It helps for our kids to recognize parents are not perfect and make a lot of mistakes,” Ratliff says.

Parenting through the pandemic and the unique set of current events has also brought a significant amount of anxiety to parents. Corley says people are often attracted to all the current negativity, especially considering there is no shortage of things about which to be anxious. He simply recommends taking a break from all the negative feedback, whether that be found on social media or in the news.

“Build those habits that break those chains of fear,” Corely says. “Often the simple things are overlooked because we are so fear-driven right now.”

Corley also suggests making sure your kids see you take a break from negativity, and he recommends having evenings of putting the phones and electronics down in favor of a family game night.

Additionally, be intentional about not comparing your child or family to others. Expecting your child to be like someone else will only bring anxiety, frustration and even resentment. Instead, address the narrative that makes you feel your child must be like someone else and establish what is truly best for your own family.

There are always going to be things that cause us anxiety as parents, but Ratliff says it’s important to accept that stressors are a natural part of life and realize not every day is going to present as many challenges as some days do.

“Every day is not the same,” Ratliff says. “That gives you some peace and calm to look forward to good things in the future.”

Taking a moment to relax and refocus

When anxieties build up, it is important to calm down and use grounding techniques to clear your thoughts. The goal is to become more present in the moment. Once you have accomplished that, you can address the issues at hand.

Deep breathing is always a calming mechanism, and so are exercises that engage all the senses. Counselors Cary Corley and Sara Ratliff recommend taking a moment to stop, look around and take notice of the things you see, hear, feel, taste and touch.  

Rolling your shoulders, talking a walk and listening to calming music are other effective calming techniques.

Corley says all these techniques trick the brain out of flight or flight mode and back into reality.

“Once you have lowered your heart rate, you will want to steady your breathing and attack the false narrative,” Corley says.

Allison Gibeson is a Lee’s Summit writer and mom.