Surprising Teen Conversation Starters
Your teen is a growing, independent soul. Sometimes parents get so worried about their teens that they forget they are separate individuals who process the world differently because of being in a different stage of life and having a different social position than their parents.
Building a better, more satisfying relationship with your teen first means you must listen as non-judgmentally as possible. This will require you remember your teen is his own person. The first step is getting to know your teen in a different way. Sociologists and journalists use an interview technique called open-ended questions. Inside of interview conversations, interviewers use interview by comment. These techniques may help parents learn more about how their teen is processing and coping with the world.
Following are a few open-ended questions you can use to start conversations. Remember, the purpose of this exercise is simply to listen and learn. Be careful not to jump into advice giving mode—simply listen and learn.
Open-Ended Question Examples
Open-ended questions don’t direct the person being interviewed to answer any specific way. Open-ended questions are phrased in a way to require more than a yes or no answer. Each question is about a specific area of teen life and has a sample follow-up question. As you practice these open-ended, listen-and-learn conversation starters, you will come up with your own natural follow-up questions.
Social Life Who do you consider to be your best friend right now?
- What do you like best about ______ (name the best friend)?
- Do you hang out with ______ at lunch?
Leisure Time or Hobbies What do you like to do on weekends when you have alone time?
- Is there something you would like to do with your friends that you don’t have time or money to do?
Who is your favorite artist, singer or band right now?
- What do you like about them? This may lead to an invitation to listen to music.
Tip: Don’t bypass this opportunity. You really earn credibility as being interested in your teen’s world. Go ahead! You can do it! Trips with my daughter have become mutual musical education opportunities. We listen to one of her songs and then we listen to one of mine. She even attended a concert with me. Now, I have to return the favor.
Family What would you like to do with the family this weekend?
- What bugs you the most about your little sister?
Tip: Be prepared for the answer without jumping into advice giving. This is the perfect opportunity to compliment your teen’s sibling relationship. You may want to say something like this: “Thank you for not yelling the other day when Ashley went into your room without permission.”
Practice
If it feels awkward, try again. Then next time you are alone together, try again. Relationship building is hard work and requires practice over time.
Tip: Ask these questions casually. Teens might feel put on the spot if they feel interrogated or think they will get in trouble for their answers. One mom shared she has these conversations in the car when traveling to school or an after-school activity. When teens are not required to have eye contact, they don’t feel so interrogated or threatened by open-ended questions.
Laura Lyles Reagan is a family sociologist, parenting coach and freelance writer. Reach her through her website for questions, comments or coaching at Heart2HeartParents.com.