Teaching Kids to Share

Young children don’t need to be trained to be self-preserving. It’s innate for them. What isn’t natural, however, is sharing and taking into account other people’s feelings. Because parents desire to raise children that grow up to become kind and generous people, it’s important that moms and dads know what’s going on developmentally within their children. This way, they can temper their own expectations, as well as help foster an environment that teaches the art of kindness. Just as it would be foolish to expect a 3-month-old to walk or a 6-month-old to speak in full sentences, it’s also naive to assume that children have the capacity to think beyond themselves as toddlers and preschoolers. As renowned pediatrician Dr. Bill Sears notes, selfishness comes before the ability to share.

“The power to possess is a natural part of the child’s growing awareness. During the second and third years, as the child goes from oneness to separateness, this little person works to establish an identity separate from mother. ‘I do it myself!’ and ‘mine!’ scream the headlines in the toddler’s tabloid. In fact, ‘mine’ is one of the earliest words to come out of a toddler’s mouth.” ~ Dr. Bill Sears

Young children intrinsically develop strong bonds to both people and things, which is a healthy part of forming emotional connections. In the first year, it might be Mommy they don’t want to separate from. When they’re 2, it may be a beloved stuffed animal they can’t bear to part with.

Sharing Means Empathy

At the heart of sharing is empathy: the ability to see something from someone else’s point of view. Most research indicates that children don’t have the capacity to be empathetic until they are around the age of 6. Does this mean kids shouldn’t be taught to share until they’re school-aged? Not at all! It simply means that kids younger than this will share because they have been conditioned to do so. So don’t lose heart if your youngster isn’t jumping for joy at this new opportunity to look beyond himself. Keep this in mind: A 2-year-old will more than likely engage in parallel play, simply playing next to another child rather than with her. At that moment, a child cares simply about himself and his stuff. It’s not even on his radar to think about another child, let alone her thoughts or feelings. But with gentle training, an egocentric toddler can become a kindhearted preschooler, and as children begin to play more collaboratively over time, they begin to see the benefits of sharing.

Sharing Means Advocacy

All too often parents find themselves in the precarious role of the “sharing police.” Setting timers to swap toys, telling a child to give up a beloved possession to keep peace (or avoid another child’s meltdown) or mediating in every case of gimme is not only exhausting but also counterproductive. Leading researcher on children’s social development Nancy Eisenberg says this is why: Children grow in generosity by having the opportunity to give to others and discovering how wonderful it feels. The rub? The experience can’t be made on behalf of the child. If we force children to share, it backfires as they leave the experience feeling resentful and even more possessive. It’s no surprise they’re less likely to be generous as a result. Sharing on a child’s behalf robs him of the opportunity to develop conflict resolution skills as well as learn how to delay gratification. 

There’s a better approach to teaching how to share, and it starts with advocacy (both advocating for your child, and teaching your child how to advocate for herself). Here are five ways to foster generosity:

1. Point out good examples. When you read a book or watch a movie together that showcases a character with a giving spirit, bring it up to reflect upon later. Don’t forget to keep your eyes out for real life examples, as well. “That was so kind of your daddy to save me the last piece of dessert!”
2. Be a Good Example. More is always caught than taught. Drop a meal off for a sick friend, offer to pick up mail or mow the lawn when your neighbor is on vacation and leave a quarter in the cart for the next shopper at Aldi.
3. Avoid Bad Examples. With so many good media and literature options available, there is no need to waste time with books or movies that showcase whining, sarcasm and disrespect in children as normative and expected. As the old adage goes, garbage in, garbage out. For comprehensive listings on family-friendly programming, check out Common Sense Media or Plugged In for reviews.
4. Include Your Child in Opportunities to Share. Sharing means giving of not just your possessions but also your time. Go caroling at the local nursing home or build an Operation Christmas Child box. Better yet, build a box for a child the same age as your own, allowing yours to pick out items at the store that he himself would want to receive. Bake cookies together with the intention of sharing at your next playdate, granting your child the role of handing out the cookies.
5. Respect Your Child’s Space. Children with siblings have ample opportunities to practice sharing within their own home, be it picking out a movie to watch or game to play. One way to temper frustration between siblings is to clarify which toys and items are family items, meaning they’re open for all to play with, and which ones belong to an individual. Legos? Family item. Your 4-year-old’s beloved blanket? Individual item. In the same way, it’s helpful to prepare a child for upcoming playdates you host by allowing her to predetermine which items she is willing to share and which ones she would prefer to put away.
6. Let Them Say No. Sharing is about doing good for others, but it’s not about doing so at the expense of yourself. Inevitably, demanding children will exploit kindness. It’s important that you train your little one to stand up for himself if you see bullying take place. If your child doesn’t have the skills to put words to his actions, speak up for your child when another child steals from him: “I need that back. Jack isn’t done playing with it, but when he is, he’ll let you know!” you might say.
7. Give Them an Alternative.

Let’s be honest—when you’re on the receiving end of sharing, sometimes waiting your turn is hard! If your child is waiting to play with something a friend or sibling is using, help him figure out for himself another activity to do to pass the time until he receives the awaited item. And in the interim, don’t forget to cheer him on as you see virtues exemplified, such as patience and creativity.

Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe boymom of four, ranging in age from toddler to teenagers. She enjoys writing on a variety of topics, run-training and homeschooling.