The Upside of Sibling Rivalry

I’ll never forget the moment I separated my two oldest children on account of bickering and my 6-year-old looked up at me and pleaded, “Please don’t make us go to separate rooms, Mom! Arguing is how we love each other.” Immersed in a tense situation, it took everything within me to hold back from chuckling. And if that were, indeed, the case, I could rest assured they loved each other very much!

Sibling rivalry is a fact of life for any child with brothers or sisters. After all, children bring to the table their own individual personalities, strengths and weaknesses, and when coupled with doing life together—sharing personal space and belongings—it’s only a matter of time before differences of opinion and conflict rise to the surface.

The home is the ultimate training ground for learning how to interact with people outside its doors, so when squabbles ensue, it’s important for both parents and children to recognize the conflict for what it is: a learning opportunity. Siblings can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies, all for the very fact that they know each other so well. Learning to reconcile, compromise and seek each other’s best interests not only teaches children how to get along with each other, but it prepares them for relationships outside the home, as well.

Kara Holdman, Lenexa mother of four, agrees. “The home should be a safe place to learn you aren’t always right, you aren’t always the winner and you aren’t always the leader. Siblings are a great way to prepare for adult life,” she says. “Parents should provide training and a justice system for this to work.”

Indeed, parental involvement is key. Learning how to argue respectfully is an art, one that is both caught and taught. When a child observes how his parents work through disagreements, he is learning as much through the process as he is when those same parents establish the ground rules for how he should get along with his own siblings. Parents should play an active role in training their children to work out differences. It serves no one to let the kids “figure it out on their own” if they do not have the skills to do so! Little ones need to be instructed in how to listen (“Do not interrupt your sister when she’s talking to you.”), how to be self-controlled (“You may not hit your brother when you don’t get what you want.”) and how to be quick to forgive (“Holding grudges hurts both you and your sister!”).

Playing an active role can quickly lead to feeling like a referee, as many parents find themselves lost in a “whodunit,” trying to get to the bottom of what caused the ruckus. Do not allow tattling or ratting each other out, but instead encourage siblings to first try to work out the issue on their own before involving Mom or Dad. If kids can’t smooth things over on their own, then have them seek out help with a parent. Working out differences will be a life-long challenge in any relationship. Siblings have an advantage when they focus on relationship restoration with one another—not vindication or revenge—and are given the opportunity to work things out before calling in reinforcements.

Sibling rivalry need not get a bad rap. Kansas City mom Kate Stephens points out that conflict resolution between brothers and sisters can ultimately lead to close friendship. “You develop a deeper relationship when you've been through the ups and downs together,” she says. “You get to know one another more deeply because of the conflict. It could potentially help you manage a marriage better.”

It’s said that friends may come and go, but brothers and sisters are siblings forever.  Learning to keep those relationships strong by loving and respecting one another will likely mean built-in lifelong friendships. Being family can be tough, but if children can get along with those closest to them, they can get along with anyone.

Did You Know?

The University of Cambridge’s Centre for Family Research performed a five-year research project on siblings and concluded that sibling rivalry is constructive, boosting mental and emotional development, increasing maturity and enhancing social skills.

Lauren Greenlee is a freelance writer who helps her three boys work out their differences—and relishes their sweet brotherly bond—all from their Olathe home.