Breaking Bad Behavior

Children know how to press their parents’ buttons. It’s how they’re wired. In fact, on a number of occasions I have wondered if their actual job title is “Make Mom Crazy at All Costs.” Whether that means jumping on the couch (again) or running away from sight at the grocery store and giving us a heart attack (again), kids are constantly nudging their boundaries. And although we cannot possibly harp on every little misdemeanor, we need to address some of them swiftly, before they become habits.

Here are three bad behaviors to nip in the bud.

Typical Kid Behavior: Talking, talking and more talking

Unacceptable Kid Behavior: Interrupting

Children do not inherently perceive conversational points of entry. In their minds, everything is urgent because they are the most important thing in the world. Teaching how to find an appropriate moment to share a story or join in a conversation requires practice. An ideal time to do this is at dinner. During a meal, conversations will ebb and flow naturally, but a young child has a hard time discerning when it’s appropriate to tell the table, “I like elephants the most!”

If your child interrupts during a conversation between you and another person during a meal, stop him politely in the moment. Look your child in the eye and explain why he needs to wait to speak. Most importantly, help your child find a natural lull in a conversation to simply say, “Excuse me,” and then share his thought on why he likes elephants the most. This will require a lot of stopping and starting of conversations, but over time, your child will begin to understand why it’s important to wait. When he does adhere to your guidelines, be sure to offer him praise and positive reinforcement.

Unacceptable Adult Behavior: Expecting a child to sit quietly for 35 minutes while you discuss the NASDAQ performance for the day. Understand you have littles with small amounts of patience and save deep conversations for later.

Typical Kid Behavior: Physicality

Unacceptable Kid Behavior: Hitting

Kids touch everything, all the time. They are tactile little beings who are quite literally feeling their way through their surroundings and constantly changing environments. Those little bodies also come with big feelings and emotions. When those emotions are positive, a pat on the back or hug might occur naturally. When those emotions turn negative, little minds don’t always know how to navigate the need for a physical response. When a child gets angry, her blood begins to boil, she feels hot—and she wants to hit something.

Something? Fine.

Someone? No.

It’s completely natural to want to direct anger toward whatever is in front of you, like a friend who took your toy. But there must be a hard stop between the want to hit and the action of hitting. Teaching your child to redirect her anger toward something innocuous (and inanimate) is crucial to her development. Find a pillow to punch or a big stuffed bear to squeeze. Better yet, learn to walk away and wait for those emotions to subside. Anything to prevent putting your hands on another person.

If your child struggles with rectifying her behavior despite your best efforts, don’t feel alone. Children don’t come with handbooks and occasionally additional help is needed. Do not feel like a failure if you need to seek out a counselor or anger management professional to help. You’re the better parent for it!

Unacceptable Adult Behavior: Hitting. This is not a time for “do as I say, not as I do.” Children learn by example. Show how you can control your own anger by walking away and waiting to calm yourself. Over time, your child will begin to understand that there is an alternative to hitting.

Typical Kid Behavior: Telling really, really long stories

Unacceptable Kid Behavior: Lying

“And then I hit my baseball 3,000 feet and ran a home run and I got a special award from the coach!”

Being accepted into the social stratosphere is a big deal for our littles. They want to be loved and feel like they belong, so sometimes they stretch truths to make certain they’re accepted. But children need to learn how to be recognized for their own true merits, not tall tales.

The most difficult aspect about this behavior is it can be tough to catch, and it fast becomes a habit. We’re all guilty of fostering it, too. How many times have you seen your child’s less-than-stellar artwork and raved, “That is the most beautiful drawing of a tree I have ever seen!” While it may seem harmless—and, largely, it is—you are potentially teaching your children that they are the best at everything. It’s an impossible precedent to live up to.

Instead, praise your children appropriately for what they’ve accomplished. Then when the time comes to really rave (like receiving an A+ on a project that took a lot of hard work), your response will feel genuine, because it is genuine.

If you can teach your children now that telling the truth always, even if it’s less than exciting, results in true, genuine reactions and trusting relationships, they will be set up for a more authentic life later.

Unacceptable Adult Behavior: Stretching stories for effect. You did not “legit” eat your weight in chips at the Mexican restaurant today at lunch. Be willing to check your own bad habits and scale back on your white lies, at least when your kids are around. As they grow and understand nuance, you can dial back up your tall tales.

It’s never too late to redirect a bad behavior, even if it’s gone on for a long time. Yes, there might be some growing pains as you both navigate changing bad patterns that have developed, but the eventual positivity that will arise from a behavior change will be worth it. Stay diligent, stay consistent and model good behaviors as often as you can. It will pay off!

Three Additional Behaviors to Block:

• Whining – No one likes an adult who whines, so do your best to raise a child who knows how to be disappointed within reason. If your child starts to whine, immediately disengage until she can return her voice to a respectable tone and volume.

• Disrespecting you – You are the authority over your child. He can disagree with you and what you’re asking, but he should never disrespect you.

• Invading privacy – There are times and places to engage with people. Reinforce which moments are just for you, and those that are just for your child.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.