Privacy and Teens: How Much Is Too Much?

Once upon a time, your children loved hanging out with you. They felt comfortable telling you every detail of their day, snuggling up to watch a movie, and didn’t mind if you asked them questions. Then, as if overnight, they grew taller, their voices began changing, and they slowly morphed into teenagers. During this sometimes bewildering time in their lives, their brains are rapidly developing, they’re gaining new thinking skills, and they’re developing new social interests. What’s more, they crave more privacy and space as they figure things out. Although the desire to seclude themselves is a natural part of growing up, how much privacy should parents allow?

Giving teens their own space is a huge adjustment at first. And though you may fear your teen wants privacy because she has something to hide, giving her the benefit of the doubt will help you build trust with her. Think back to when you were a teenager. You, too, wanted to be trusted and thought of as mature, independent and responsible. Allowing your own teen some space and privacy will work wonders for his development.

In today’s world, however, new technologies pop up every day—such as GPS tracking. Some parents are using tracking apps and devices to track their teen’s location throughout the day. Some parents don’t see this as an issue, but others believe it goes too far.

“I think tracking our teens is okay,” Kansas City mom Tanya Henre says. “There are so many dangers that weren’t around when we were teens. Plus, teens tend to feel invincible, and some are gullible when it comes to danger.”

Kansas City mom Yvonne Fee, however, admits to having mixed feelings. “I believe tracking apps only work best when kids are old enough to be more independent, but I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I’d like to think that my relationship with my child is secure enough for them to be honest about their whereabouts, and using an app undermines that trust. On the other hand, using an app for location tracking gives me peace of mind that shows my teen is where they are supposed to be,” she says. “Ultimately, I think if parent and teen both view the app as mutually beneficial, it’s okay.”

Experts say that for some, location tracking can possibly damage the connection between you and your teen. Not all teens will be cool with having their location tracked. In fact, those who resent being watched digitally might disable the location features or figure out ways to work around the GPS to throw their parents off their track. And if you think attaching a secret GPS device to their vehicle will work better, you might be fooling yourself. Some teens may get suspicious and search their car for evidence that you’re watching them. This, in turn, can harm your relationship. But if you work collaboratively with your teen, location tracking can be a positive thing that contributes to your adolescent’s safety. For instance, you may both agree that you only check her location if she’s running late rather than texting her or calling her.

“A location-tracking app can be a useful tool depending on how you use it with your teen. We use Life360. I think it’s important for safety reasons, so if something happens, you can find each other,” Kansas City mom Vickylyn Acuna says. “However, depending on how parents present it, teens can have a negative perception about it, thinking their parents distrust them. There needs to be a clear understanding of its use and a family discussion on how it’ll be used.”

Fee says, “The need to follow the path of my teens is important when there are no set pickup times for student school activities involving bus arrival. We use Life360 for our entire immediate family. It’s been very helpful with location and knowing what may be happening when text or verbal contact may not be possible.”

Many parents, however, don’t feel that tracking their teens is a good idea. If you decide to completely forego location tracking, try talking with your teen about why. Let him know that when he’s not with you, he is in charge of himself. Reassure him that you’re there for him if he needs help, but he won’t be protected from the choices he makes.

There are a multitude of other ways you can give your teen privacy. Here’s a list of ideas to show your teens you respect their wishes to have more freedom:

• Knock on his door before entering his room.
• Give her alone time.
• Don’t snoop through texts or emails on his cell phone.
• Leave her journals and notebooks alone.
• Ask before looking through his backpack or wallet.
• Allow him to see the doctor privately (if it’s his preference).
• Respect her privacy by not snooping in her room.
• Allow him to have private conversations with friends.

How do you know how much freedom your teen is ready for? Experts say to gauge how responsible your teens are with their obligations. Does she get to school on time? Does he respect his curfew? Do they do their homework regularly and complete chores? If teens are able to do these things without much nagging from you, then it’s probably okay to give them a little more privacy. But remember: too little monitoring can leave teens without the help and support they may need to make safe decisions about their life and relationships. By no means, though, does this mean you should hover over their shoulders and demand details about everything. That can backfire and make your teens think you don’t trust them.  

Your goal as a parent should be to invoke a trusting environment for your teens where they can get the support they need to learn how to navigate life and make responsible decisions. With a little extra space and privacy, your teens will be able to build the confidence and independence they need.

Gina Klein resides in Kansas City with her husband, two daughters and houseful of rescue animals.