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Connecting with Kids

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The first and most important relationship we have in our lives is the one with our parents. Children learn how to love, play, interact and resolve conflict through the bond they form with their mom and dad. From the moment children are born, they want their parents' love and attention, and receiving it helps form their confidence and develop their identity. As kids mature, the bond strengthens through shared experiences and by spending quality time together. Here are some easy ways to strengthen the parent-child bond.

            Play together

            The simplest way to bond with your children is to spend time playing with them. Play comes naturally to children, so take advantage of that opportunity to spend quality time with them. Play not only teaches kids life skills, such as how to share, resolve conflict and follow rules. It is also a great way to bond with your child. By playing peek-a-boo, tossing a ball in the backyard, playing house or making crafts, you are bonding with your kids because you are sharing in their joy of those activities. “My son would always open up when we played catch,” says Angela Leever, Olathe mom of three. “We had some great conversations playing together.” Playtime gives children a safe place to share their feelings and express worries. By spending time doing what they enjoy, you are showing them they are important and you are there for them.

            Find a mutual interest

            What is your child interested in? If your child enjoys reading, create a two-person book club and discuss the books as you read. If your child loves football, make game night a family event and cheer on your team. If your child is interested in dinosaurs, visit a museum. Some of my lifelong friendships grew from playing sports or participating in activities together, and the same can be assumed when we are talking about parent-child bonding. If you truly enjoy activities together, a stronger bond will naturally form. “When they show interest in a sport, music, games, hobby or even a TV show, I will find free time to do it together,” says Michelle Lyons, mom of three. “I have found that while they are doing something they enjoy, they are more likely to talk about other things in their life.”

            Tell them you love them and why

            Your children likely know you love them, but how often do you tell them? Saying I love you to your child has powerfully positive effects. “My kids and I have something we do in the car,” says Olathe mom Pricella Edwords. “I reach back and lightly squeeze their legs three times which means 'I love you.’ They know and will often say, ‘I love you too mom.’” Try not just saying you love them, but tell them why: “I love you because you are so fun to be around” or “I love you because you care about others.” Words of affirmation are powerful tools to give our kids the self-confidence they need to face the world, and they are a great way to bond with your child. Similarly, snuggling, hugs, kisses, pats on the back or even tickling and wrestling give your children the physical affection and bonding they crave from their parents and creates a strong bond.

            Make them a priority

            Put down your phone and talk to your kids. Show them they are your number one priority. If you have a task that needs to be done, ask them to let you finish it, and when it’s complete, give your youngsters your full attention. “We read together before bed long after the storybook years,” says Amy Cameron, Olathe mom of three. “Books spark discussion and debate, and it’s an experience they will have forever.” If you have multiple children, it can be hard to spend one-on-one time with all of them. Set aside time to go on a “date” with each of your children so you can connect and check in with what everyone has going on. Ask them open-ended questions and then listen to the answers. When you commit to making your children a priority, they will feel important, and it will help strengthen your relationship.

            Create a helper

            For the busy parent, finding the time to make quality moments, in addition to all your other responsibilities, is a daunting task. To ease this, try incorporating kids into your daily tasks. While you are cooking dinner, doing dishes or folding laundry, ask your child to help—then start up a conversation. Some kids may bond with their parents over fixing the car, painting, gardening or performing any other household task. Not only are you creating a great opportunity to spend time together, but you are teaching life skills and a good work ethic. Louisburg mom Amy Siebert suggests talking to your kids while you are in the car. “We spend a lot of time driving between activities. That’s where our best conversations happen.” Mom of three Carrie Miller of Olathe says, “Our most meaningful conversations happen before bedtime. It’s always worth the extra time, even when I’m tired from a long day.”

            Love them no matter what

            One of the best ways to build a healthy bond with your children is to let them know you will love them no matter what. You communicate this by listening to their problems, offering advice when appropriate and then respecting their decisions, even if negative consequences will ensue. If children make a mistake, let them know you are there to love and support them through the challenges they may face.  “I’m vulnerable with my children and tell them when I mess up and apologize when I do,” says Sarah Clark, mom of two. “I ask them to do the same for me. This authenticity creates a closer bond because they understand I’m not just an authoritarian parent figure.” Everyone needs to know they have someone in their corner, especially on the bad days. Barb Shapiro, mom of six, says “Validate their feelings and truly listen when they talk. This lets them know how important they are to me, and it’s not hard to do.”

            Most of these ideas are not profound or difficult to do, they just take a little planning and intentionality. Over time, without even trying, the bonds will be built, and your children will have a solid foundation of love and support as they mature.

How Well Do You Know Your Child?

Can you answer these questions about your kids? Check your answers and use this list as a conversation starter with all of your children.

Sarah Lyons is an Olathe mom of six children, including 7-year-old triplets.

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