Dealing with an Underachiever
Life is filled with opposites. Up and down, highs and lows. Sweet and salty and, last but not least, we have the haves and have nots. What exactly does this have to do with my child and the fact that she’s underachieving? Well, plenty! After you read this article, you’ll walk away with a lot more understanding—and a little bit more information on how to deal with your underachiever.
Rule # 1- No one strives to be an underachiever. Don’t compare.
From early childhood, people are programmed to go out into the world and give their absolute best effort. We tell our children they can be whatever they want to be and buy toys that help them create or fix things. Naturally, we tell our children what is considered good behavior and what is considered bad. Ultimately, kids just want to be liked, and in their minds, whoever gets the attention, whether good or bad, wins. Overachieving and underachieving can be part of that vying for attention. The Davidson Institution describes this as the “First Best” and “First Worst,” a complex described as competing to be the best but on two opposing ends. Now the draw-in: how children gain attention. The real message is how we as parents idolize one good thing over the other and forget everything else in between. Simply put, we praise the first-place winner and forget all about the third-place champ. Now, imagine if your child were that third-place champ. What if your child were the fifth-place runner? Last, imagine him or her coming in fifth place every single race. Best-kept secret? Don’t reward bad behavior or mediocrity and never make your kid feel like his personal best is not the best you’ve ever seen.
Rule #2- No one is to blame.
It’s easy to throw a pity party for yourself or to blame your child for not trying hard enough. In cases of achievement, don’t do it! The best approach is to be supportive and remain positive. Help your child find what he is good at and support him in his journey; don't criticize him in hopes he’ll get it. Pushing kids to work harder at something they simply have no interest in or are not good at will only kill their self-esteem, infuriate you or thin your patience. Instead of using your energy to urge your child to work harder at the same thing, try to challenge your child to understand that “thing” in a different way. Alter the approach. Growing up, I had the toughest time trying to understand long division. I had no problem with multiplication and the basics of understanding beforehand. I just didn’t understand why I had to use long division to divide things or why remainders even existed. My mom would get frustrated and ask my older siblings to help me with my homework. My older siblings would quit halfway through my homework lesson, and I’d be left at the kitchen table to figure it out by myself. It wasn’t until my great- grandmother came over to babysit that we discovered I just needed someone to slowly describe the process of division. In that moment, I didn’t feel pressured, pushed to understand something or criticized for not knowing the answers. I was given the same information with a different and more sensitive approach. Now, I can do long division in my sleep, with my hands behind my back, with no paper and with no help. Just think outside the box. You’ll get to the bottom of things for sure.
Rule #3- It's okay to ask for help.
It takes a village to raise a child, and asking for help doesn’t make you desperate, nor does it make you ignorant. In fact, asking for help can only make you better. Reach out to a professional if your child is consistently exemplifying negative behavior. Turns out Newton’s third law doesn’t apply just to physics. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” There may be a deeper reason or more than one reason as to why your child is scraping the bottom of the barrel. Ask your parents how they dealt with situations like your child is dealing with. Their insight could really help both you and your child.
Jessica Samuel lives in Kansas City and is a freelance writer and photographer.