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The Art of the Apology

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          We all know as adults how hard it is to admit wrongdoing. But don’t you think that apologizing for that wrongdoing is even worse sometimes? Why is apologizing so hard?! According to PsychologyToday.com, apologizing “requires humility and temporarily reduces one’s self esteem.” For some people, apologizing simply feels too close to humiliation … and no one likes to feel humiliated. Some even see apologizing as a sign of weakness. Sometimes our pride gets in the way of an apology, and other times we may not really be sorry for our behavior, so the apology may not be heartfelt. Regardless of whether you like to do it, learning to apologize is a skill that everyone should know. Let’s find out more about what apologizing can look like for our children.

            As parents, we need to understand there is a developmental continuum for apologizing—meaning you need to have the age and stage of your child in mind when teaching apologies. Although very young children can repeat the words “I’m sorry,” they have no actual understanding to accompany the apology. In effect, the exercise is pointless. Parents.com suggests focusing on teaching children 2 and under what the rules are, because by learning them, they will have less to apologize for later. By nature, 2-year-olds do not care or understand how other people are feeling. In this situation, you can simply make an apology for your child and move on. Children ages 3-5 are developmentally all about “me” and have a hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes, but parents still need to point out how others might be feeling based on their actions. Around the age of 6, children start to better grasp the idea of right and wrong and how their choices can impact others. They may not jump for joy about apologizing, but the reasoning behind it will sink in a bit more. Older children often have more invested in relationships so are more apt to make amends. They’re also capable of offering other ways to make a situation right, ways young children can’t come up with.

            When it comes to the art of the apology, some appropriate steps can guide us through the process. Boys Town social curriculum recommends the following:

Apologizing doesn’t come naturally to children, so be available for specific coaching and helping your child find the right words. Children need language and guidance on how to accept an apology too. I can remember a counselor explaining to my first-grade class that when a person apologizes to you, you do not have to say, “That’s okay.” Oftentimes, what happened is not okay. What you can encourage children to say instead is “I accept your apology” or “Thanks for telling me.”

Children take in so much of what they see and hear around them, so remember, we must set the example. Do not be afraid to apologize to your own children. This both sets a good example and shows kids that making mistakes is part of being human—and it shows kids how to handle it when they do. Katie, an Overland Park mom, says, “I think teaching children the art of apology comes from modeling it yourself. If I say something to hurt my children's feelings or raise my voice if my son is not behaving, I always go back later and apologize to my child. It is important to show vulnerability and admit to your child that you have made a mistake. Apologizing teaches your child to take responsibility for their actions and also models empathy by realizing you hurt someone and need to make it right.”

            When it comes to helping children learn to apologize, parents must remain patient and committed because it is a gradual learning experience that will take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day … and staying the course will only add to the amazing little (or big!) person you are raising!

Bonus Tips:

*Give some space and time before walking children through an apology. No good can come when emotions and tempers are still high.

*We must be mindful as parents not to force our children to apologize. This will only lead to insincere apologies, embarrassment and possible shutdown or acting out. Encourage your children to apologize and help coach them through it.

*The power behind the apology is the sincerity of the words. It won’t hold much weight if the behavior never changes.

*If your child won’t apologize, don’t stress. You have the option to do it for him and then handle your child later away from the situation.

Julie Collett writes from Overland Park where, even as a grown-up, apologizing is hard!

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