How Birth Order Affects Kids

Have you ever thought about how your birth order affects your personality and how you interact with others? Birth order can play a huge role in forming your strengths and weaknesses and how you react to situations. Not every person fits the stereotype of her birth order, but you may find traits in yourself and your children that very closely link to birth order.

The firstborn child

Firstborns are their parents’ one and only focus, at least for a short time, until a baby brother or sister comes along. Because of this, they are accustomed to being the center of attention and may excel in school because they have had more one-on-one time to work on skills with the help of their parents.

Strengths: They are generally dependable, cautious, conscientious, high-achieving and responsible.

Challenges: Because they are given more responsibility at a younger age, they may be controlling and bossy. They often develop a Type A personality and can be hard on themselves and others. They tend to be perfectionists and can develop a fear of failure that makes it hard to step out of their comfort zone.

Parenting tips: Let your child know making mistakes is okay and that not everyone excels in every area. It’s also wise to make sure your expectations are age-appropriate, as parents often hold their firstborn child to a higher standard.

The middle child

Middle children often can feel overlooked because they are stuck in between the overachieving older sibling and the free-spirited and charming baby of the family. Feeling left out at home, middle children often seek out close relationships with friends and usually have a large social circle.

Strengths: Middle children tend to be very social and are great peacemakers. They become good at negotiation and compromise and develop the ability to go with the flow.

Challenges: It is never fun to feel left out or unimportant. This can lead to rebelliousness and feelings of inadequacy.

Parenting tips: Encourage your middle child to pursue activities and interests that are unique to him. Make a point to spend a little extra one-on-one time with your middle child so he doesn’t feel overlooked.

The youngest child

The youngest child of the family usually reaps benefits from extra parent attention, as well as attention from older siblings. Parents may also have loosened, sometimes unknowingly, the rules established with the older children, so the baby of the family may get away with more—or at least that’s how the older children view it. Youngest kids are often comfortable being the class clown and love to show off and make people laugh.

Strengths: Youngest children are typically natural charmers and have an outgoing personality. Many comedians and actors are youngest children. They are often risk-takers and described as fearless.

Challenges: Parents may react less to accomplishments because they have seen them before, leading the youngest child to feel like nothing is ever good enough. Parents can also have the tendency to coddle the youngest child, giving her fewer chores and less responsibility and holding her to a lower standard than older kids.

Parenting tips: Encourage your youngest child to be independent and learn to do things on his own. This will help build self-confidence and teach responsibility. Charismatic younger children love a chance to put their charms to good use. If this describes your child, consider what extracurricular activities might help develop these gifts.

The only child

The only child and the oldest child have some similar traits because both have the parents’ undivided attention and love. Where the oldest child is eventually “dethroned” by the younger siblings, an only child has the benefit of one-on-one attention indefinitely. Dr. Kevn Leman, author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, calls the only child a “super oldest child” because he develops similar traits as the oldest—but to the extreme.

Strengths: Only children possess many of the traits that oldest children do (responsible, conscientious, perfectionist) but, in addition, they tend to be creative, more comfortable talking to adults than peers, resourceful and independent.

Challenges: Because only children have no siblings, they lack the chance to work on negotiation, compromise, sharing, flexibility and other things that come naturally with sibling interaction. They may also feel lonely because they don’t always have another child to play with.

Parenting tips: Encourage relationships with other children to build social skills with peers and give the only child the chance to experience situations that will help teach flexibility and compromise.

It’s easy to see these traits as you observe your own family of origin, your children and how they react to each other. As you consider the individuals in your family in light of birth order, consider their strengths and challenges as you discipline your kids, interact with them, and encourage them in the things they love.

Birth order is not the only variable that affects our personalities. While these stereotypes have some truth to them, many factors can change the way birth order affects families.

• Temperament - A child’s temperament can have an effect on their birth order traits. Although middle children are typically easygoing, a child that is not naturally easygoing and is also a middle child may not have this trait. A strong and defiant middle child can actually overpower a timid and shy oldest child,, thus taking on more of the firstborn traits.
• Gender - Gender can affect birth order traits as well, especially in a larger family. Both the oldest boy and the oldest girl can have similar traits, even though they may not be the firstborn.
• Physicality - Size matters in birth order. If the firstborn is petite and the second-born is big for his age, this can cause the younger child to overpower the older one.
• Age spacing - The birth order stereotypes are most accurate in families where the kids are closer in age. Large age gaps between children can create different scenarios where kids grow up like two only children or two firstborns, two youngest children, etc.
• Multiples - Twins or triplets are born minutes from each other, so they usually do not have the same traits as a typical group of siblings. Generally, one of the kids is dominant by size or personality.
• Large families - Bigger families of four or more kids may notice that birth order traits aren’t always typical.
• Blended families - Blended families, especially if they spend time in multiple households, will notice that birth order traits can be different than the typical model.
• Special circumstances - A child with special needs or an illness, or a child who is considered a prodigy, can affect birth order stereotypes. Parents may treat the child differently because of the circumstances.

Sarah Lyons is a part-time writer and full-time mom. She lives in Olathe with her family.