One Size Doesn’t Fit All

One size does not fit all when it comes to raising kids. Any mom of more than one child knows that every child is different and will react differently when faced with the same situation. Kids are also likely to react differently to the same parenting techniques. Although being fair to all the children is important, adjusting parenting styles to fit the needs of each child can help with their development and behavior long term.

As a mom of six, I have to constantly check myself and my interactions with each child to make sure I am using the best techniques to fit the individual youngster. I have one child who will almost always do what I ask, the first time I ask. I have another who needs repeated reminders to complete the same task and another who forgets to do the task but is hurt by reminders because it makes him feel incompetent. For this child, I have to wait for him to remember on his own or ask questions that prompt him to remember such as “Do you have practice after school?” The question causes him to remember that he needs to bring the clothes he would have otherwise forgotten. How do you go about adjusting your parenting style to fit your child?

Do your research

As a parent, you are the expert on your child. Take note of how he responds to different kinds of discipline, rewards, and encouragement. What types of situations are the most troubling for him and where does he excel the most? Read articles and books on parenting and discipline styles, talk to your child’s teachers and other caregivers, and ask your child about his feelings. This will help you understand his temperament and give you an idea of what might work best when it comes to discipline and helping him face challenging situations. How kids handle stress can be a great indicator of the best way to judge what type of response they need most from you. I have one child who needs a hug when he is upset, another finds physical activity is the best way to release stress, and another wants someone to listen while she talks about her feelings. None of these responses to stress are wrong; they are just different. We parents have the opportunity to help our kids work through things in the way they feel most comfortable.

Do a self-check

After you have an idea of your child’s temperament, it is time to do a self-check. What is your temperament, and what is your go-to response when you are mad, sad or frustrated? How does it line up with the best way to handle those same feelings when they arise in each of your children? What are some common conflicts or situations that your child faces and how can you change your response to make the discussion more productive? This process will take some time to figure out and will involve some trial and error. The effort will be worth it when communication is improved between you and your child.

Teamwork

Once you have some techniques that work in place, you must make sure others are on the same page. Talk to your child’s other parent, teachers, and caregivers and find out what is working (or not working) for them when it comes to handling challenging situations with your child. Share what has been successful for you and try to create consistency whenever possible. If your child is mature enough, discuss with her what she responds well to and what may be making situations worse. Try to be honest and flexible when coming up with techniques that work best for your family.

Adjusting your parenting style to the child does take some additional work, especially in the beginning, but it can help build a supportive and healthy relationship between you and your child.  It will also benefit you as he develops skills he needs to better handle situations he may face.

Understanding Your Child’s Temperament

Knowing your child’s temperament can help you to adjust your parenting style to fit her personality. There are three main temperament categories for kids, although you may find your child is a combo of two or even three types.

Easy or flexible temperament. This person is happy most of the time, is able to transition to new situations easily and is a fast learner. Kids with this temperament are easier to put to sleep and feed. (40 percent of the population)

Feisty or difficult temperament. This child is more challenging to feed, get to sleep and to discipline. They often are unhappy and do not adjust to transitions easily. (10 percent of the population)

Slow to warm temperament. These children are observers. As the name suggests, they are slow to warm up to new situations and transitions. They often have irregular sleeping and eating habits. They may appear to be quiet or shy, which is often true. (15 percent of population)

A combination of temperaments. For the people that do not seem to fall into one category but may show two or even three of the above temperaments. (35 percent of population)

Mom of six Sarah Lyons lives in Olathe with her family.

Source: Thomas and Chess, Temperament and Development, 1977