Sorting Out Toxic and Tonic Thoughts

I’ve always enjoyed the scene of the sorting hat in Harry Potter. As students at Hogwarts wizarding school are sorted into houses, they plop down on a stool, tug on a magical hat, and the hat sorts them into their houses based on the content of their minds. As a life coach, my work isn’t far from that of a sorting hat. I help people examine their thoughts, try on new ones and see how these thoughts create their feelings, behaviors and, ultimately, the results they get in life. This is a skill I teach adults, and it’s a skill we can also teach our children. Here are some common toxic thoughts and their tonic counterparts that you can help your kids try on instead.

Toxic thought: He hurt my feelings.

Tonic thought: I’m in charge of how I feel.

Many of us have been taught that other people can hurt our feelings. The idea that other people control our emotional experience gives our power away and makes us the victim of other people’s behavior. We take back our power when we learn that situations and other people don’t create our emotional experience; our thoughts do. While we can’t control the way other people behave, we can decide how to interpret their behavior with our thoughts (adding a lot of drama or realizing it’s just a reflection on them), which will ultimately result in the way we feel.

Toxic thought: Why doesn’t she like me? What’s wrong with me?

Tonic thought: What she thinks about me is none of my business.

Kids are often hyper-aware of other people’s opinions about them, and rejection can feel painful and isolating. When our kid is excluded, or a friend says something mean, or she finds out other kids are talking behind her back, it’s important to help her see that this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her. When our kids try on the thought that other people’s opinions are none of their business, it separates their identity from the judgments of other people. With a solid identity, kids are less likely to cave to peer pressure or obsess about pleasing other people.

Toxic thought: I’m not a natural at learning.

Tonic thought: Studying helps me learn new skills.

By now, many of us are familiar with the difference between a “fixed” and “growth” mindset, ideas popularized by the work of Dr. Carol Dweck. When kids believe they are inherently good or bad at something, this is called a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset doesn’t leave a lot of room for failure, growth or motivation. A growth mindset focuses more on effort than natural talent. When kids connect their results to qualities like persistence and grit, instead of innate abilities, they become more motivated, determined and empowered to succeed.

Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, TV appearances, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.