Talking to Your Teen

The teenage years can be rough. Your babies no longer want to be seen at the mall with you; questions are answered with a simple “yes” or “no;” and instead of listening to you, your teenagers roll their eyes and walk away. No worries, though. This is normal teen development, and while it’s hard to accept, it’s important for teens to break away from their parents at this age. What you need to be aware of during this critical time in their lives is how you speak to them. For the most part, you’re probably aware of what you do say to your teen, but you may be unaware of what you aren’t saying.

One of the most important skills a parent needs when raising a teen is positive attention. Blue Springs mom Alexa Smith agrees.

“I believe that one of the most important things that a teen needs to know is that they are loved unconditionally,” she says. “Every day, I tell them I love them when they leave for school and when they get home. I kiss them every night, and even though they’re teens, they’ll seek me out if they go to bed before I get in there to ‘tuck them in.’”

“They need to hear, ‘I love you!’” Olathe mom Tina Alstatt says. “I tell them I love them and I’m proud of them as much as I can.”

When was the last time you told your teen you love him? It’s easy to get so wrapped up in what we are doing in our jobs, personal lives and relationships that we forget to say the obvious, but important, things. Don’t take it for granted that your child knows you love her. Take the time to say it. Sometimes kids just need to hear the words.

“As parents, we also need to tell them that we’re proud of their accomplishments, no matter how small,” Smith says. “Even if they try their hardest, and it’s not quite as good as we think it should be, they still deserve a pat on the back.”

Alstatt agrees. “They need to hear ‘I’m proud of you’ and be praised for making the right decisions.”

Another important skill to keep under your belt is listening. Listen to your teen when he talks and respect his opinions. Alstatt says she always tunes in when her teenage sons need someone to talk to.

“When I can see they just want to sit and chat I make sure I give them my undivided attention. If I'm watching television, I turn it off and look them in the eye. They need to know I'm really listening and interested in what they are saying. That's why they come back and talk to me the next time—they know that there is nothing more important to me than them,” Alstatt says.

Tell your teen that she’s important and special. This is another one of the biggies. Sure, you may think that your child is important, but how often do you tell her that you feel this way? Saying the words can have a huge impact on your child’s self-esteem, as well as your relationship with your child. Hug your child—even your teen—and tell him he’s important and special. It only takes a minute, and it will make a difference.

Support your teen and realize that she is not you. She has different likes and dislikes and different interests. For many teens, the feeling of not being recognized as individuals is very real and frustrating. Showing your love and support as a parent by just telling them, “I support you in what you want to do in your life,” can make all the difference. And don’t forget to tell your teen that you believe in him. Because the teen years are uncertain times, your child may not feel so sure that they will succeed. Take the time to remind your child that you believe he can do whatever he sets out to do. Offer your support. Tell your teen, “I believe in you.”

“Children need active parents who are interested in their lives and want to be a part of them. We must be parents first, but also shift that relationship as they get older into a friendship,” Smith says.

Kansas City mom Gina Klein is a writer/author/photographer who can’t seem to tell her two daughters she loves them enough! (Is there such a thing as too many ‘I love yous?’)