10 Steps to Squash Sibling Rivalry

When the phrase "sibling rivalry" comes up in conversations among parents, chances are it is closely followed by "bane of my existence." Even though it has been going on  since the beginning of time, it still grates on our nerves. Road trips, picking out a family movie, who gets to sit by Dad at the dinner table--rarely do these things happen without some major sibling squawkery. While it's not likely we'll ever squash it completely, there are some steps you can take to make life at home more harmonious.

Here are 10 steps to help:

• Set the expectations on acceptable behaviors. For example, no yelling, no lying, no slamming doors, no shoving, no sitting on heads, etc. Discuss the consequences if kids choose to disobey these rules and then follow through on those consequences. Key words here are follow through.
• Model healthy behavior. If you and your spouse handle conflicts by yelling and screaming, then your kids will, too. Speak with respect to one another and let your children hear you apologize when you are remorseful. Behave like you want your children to behave.
• Unless there is physical harm, don't get involved. If you do, they will start expecting your help and wait for you to rescue them rather than learn to work it out themselves.
• Celebrate the differences in your children. One child might be a star athlete while another may excel in music and dance. Create opportunities for them to succeed at what they are good at and the need to compete with each other will lessen.
• Spend one-on-one time with your children. Spending alone time with each child will make each feel appreciated and special while giving you the opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
• Teach them conflict resolution. A great time to do this is when your family is together (meals, a long car trip, etc.) so everyone can learn how to handle certain situations. This will give them a boost of confidence, as well as provide them with a life-long skill.
• Stop comparing. Each child has his or her own redeeming qualities and personality. Celebrate individuality rather than adding fuel to the fire by telling a child, "If you only could be more like your sister/brother!" Instead of its being a motivation tool (like you intend), doing this actually builds resentment.
• Empower them. Rather than let a child flaunt strengths to his or her siblings, encourage your child to teach it to siblings instead. Maybe you have one that is excellent at jumping rope. He could show the other sibling who is feeling discouraged how he learned to master this skill. At the end, both should feel rewarded.
• Praise the positive. In other words, catch them when they are being good. If they are sharing nicely, make sure to compliment them and reward that good behavior. Kids seek attention from their parents and many times they misbehave if they know that is how they are going to "get to you." By giving them the attention they crave when they are behaving well, you hopefully set in motion their desire to keep receiving your positive praise.
• Spend time together as a WHOLE family. The more time you spend as a family unit, the less the chances are of a sibling fight. Playing board games, watching a movie or taking the dog for a walk are great distractions, as well as opportunities for each child to learn to take turns.  

One thing to keep in mind, however, is that a recent study of children between the ages of 2 and 6 by academics at the University of Cambridge concluded that mild forms of rivalry can have a “beneficial impact on development in childhood.” Like all things, moderation is key.

If all else fails, you can always follow Erma Bombeck’s lead: “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.”

Freelance writer Hallie Sawyer is a mom of three based in Overland Park. She isn’t afraid to wield the family’s enthusiastic Wheaten terrier nor a great set of headphones as “weapons” in her parenting arsenal.