The Art of an Apology

Children aren’t always sorry for their behavior, and if they are sorry, many kiddos have a hard time mustering up the phrase or even sounding like they mean it. Teaching your child how to apologize is a gradual learning experience that takes time, patience and practice. Know, though, that when your children do learn the art of an apology, you are instilling in them not only an important social skill but also teaching them how to take responsibility for their actions and making them aware of others’ feelings.

From the time your child learns how to talk, the phrase “I’m sorry” should be an important piece of his vocabulary, and while a tot might not understand the phrase, you are training his conscience. When young children learn to say they’re sorry, after time they will begin to realize that they truly mean they are sorry and are able to accept the consequences of their actions.

Preschoolers, ages 3-5, are still in the “me” phase, so expecting a heartfelt apology can be a tall order, especially when they are still learning right from wrong. It’s important that parents and teachers step in to point out when an apology is needed, explaining the process of apologizing and recognizing the emotions that are involved in both parties. “I make sure that when my son says, ‘I’m sorry,’ he knows why he is apologizing,” says Karen Zaracor, Olathe.

While your elementary age child might know the difference between right and wrong and how her actions affect others, getting an apology out of her might not be an easy task. At this age, your child is becoming more conscious of how she is viewed by others, especially her peers and doesn’t want that extra attention an apology could bring.

Encouraging an Apology

Make sure you are actively apologizing if you have done something to warrant an “I’m sorry.” Setting a good example for your children will encourage them to follow your lead and imitate you when they have upset someone.

Set up some examples and pretend play to help your child practice saying “I’m sorry.” Role play with stuffed animals and other objects in the house. “I set up a tea party scene with my daughter, and we practiced saying ‘I’m sorry’ and also ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ to each other and our doll guests,” says Cyndi Bell, Overland Park. 

Explain to your children that apologizing is a very important courtesy and there are consequences for not doing it, such as, others’ not wanting to play with them anymore or viewing their behavior as negative. 

Try not to insist or force your child into apologizing; this could backfire. Your child will either hastily say a very unconvincing “I’m sorry” or become even more embarrassed. Take the lead by apologizing for him or her and then deal with your child in private later on. 

It’s important to remain calm while your child is apologizing, whether he’s addressing another child or confessing/apologizing to you. If you keep your cool, your child will not associate an apology with a negative emotion or reaction from you.

If your child is having a hard time apologizing by herself, make it a team effort. Not only will you be setting a good example for her, but you will also be giving her the support and confidence she needs. “My daughter is so shy that it’s hard for her to apologize, so I encourage her by holding her hand and doing it together,” says Jennifer Johnson, Leawood.

Jennifer Duxbury is from Olathe and is a SAHM to her 3-year-old son, Madden.