Building Your Child's Self-Confidence
Do you have a child who’s naturally shy or extremely apprehensive about taking on new activities, new surroundings or speaking up when wronged? You’re not alone. A lot of parents wonder how they can help their children so that they can better deal with the world around them.
As a parent and martial arts master, Master M.J. Butler, director of Millennium Martial Arts Academy and personal achievement coach, says it all comes down to building your child’s self-confidence.
“It all comes down to confidence, and confidence comes from small victories,” he says. “Essentially, a person is given their confidence from their parents. I think the parent has to exude that confidence so that the child senses that there’s nothing to fear.”
Independence mom Brice Thompson says she’s trying to do just that with her daughters. “My 11-year-old recently encountered some cattiness at school with someone she thought was a good friend. It upset her so much she called home sick. I talked to her and told her she can’t run from people like that,” Thompson says. “Instead, I told her to hold her head up high and gave her the option to confront her friend to let her know that her feelings were hurt and she doesn’t keep friends like that. My daughter felt so much better after doing this.”
Whatever the situation, if a child doesn’t feel confident doing it, it won’t work – especially when it comes to activities forced upon them by their parents, such as sports.
“Forcing your child to do something creates distrust. Your child builds apprehension and fear, and it creates a negative learning environment,” Butler says. “Just because it’s an activity you like, doesn’t mean it’s right for your child. Do research and invest the time to identify the correct activity for your child’s personality type. Communication is key in order to build trust.”
When communicating with your child, Butler says it’s important to have a calm, mentoring, caring and reassuring approach. If you want your child to play sports, do some research online with your child to learn about different types of sports while explaining the benefits. Then offer a yes/yes option. Instead of saying, “You can play football or nothing,” tell your child, “You can choose one sport to play this year. Would you like to play football, soccer or tennis?” By letting your child choose the sport in which she would like to participate, you are empowering her.
“Once the activity is chosen, be a passive participant. Turn off your cell phone, stop chatting with parents around you and pay attention to your child at her practices,” Butler says. “When she sees you doing other things, her confidence drops.”
And, don’t leave the coaching up to the coach. Instead, motivate your child before the game, and use a lot of praise throughout. Avoid the negative, and tell her specifically what you saw her do well. And always have a reward system in place.
“It doesn’t have to be material. A pat on the back or a hug is best. Deep down, kids don’t want to disappoint you. They feed off your words, hugs and thumbs-up,” Butler says.
“My daughter’s dance classes never let parents in the room to watch, but we made sure we attended all of her dance recitals,” Platte City mom La Donna Newport says. “And we always brought her flowers.”
When it comes to building your child’s self-confidence, it all comes down to putting in the energy to help your child and then maintaining that energy.
“I’m a big believer in preventative maintenance. Like with a car and oil changes, keep up with it, and you won’t have failures,” Butler says.
Kansas City mom Gina Klein is a writer and photographer in the Kansas City area who is working hard each day to instill self-confidence in her two young daughters.