Time to Move On?

You’ve enrolled your daughter in her first ballet class. You’re pumped. Dance shoes are ordered, you’ve purchased leotards in almost every color, and you’ve watched YouTube tutorial videos to help you practice putting her hair up in a bun. Your dream of becoming a “dance mom” is finally coming true. Your son starts soccer the week after that. You can’t wait to add “soccer mom” to your list of titles.

You pause amid all the excitement. Are these your children’s dreams, or are they yours? What if it doesn’t work out? What if they start to hate it? Should you let them quit or encourage them to power through? If or when these activities don’t turn out to be what you or your kids expected, it’s okay to shift gears. Here’s why.

I chatted with a board certified behavior analyst once, and she shared a bit of her expertise on this subject that stuck with me. Pay attention to your kids’ behaviors. They may not always vocalize how they’re feeling about certain things in life, but they will drop hints whether you notice them or not. 

Consider the following behaviors: 

• Is attending dance class or soccer practice a struggle each evening, or do your kids light up when they get to see their friends on the field or in the studio?
• Does your child talk about the sport or activity outside of practice? 
• Are your kiddos eager to go to their games or dance competitions?
• Do they want to kick the soccer ball around in the yard or practice dance choreography with you to show off their moves?

These behaviors suggest that the child enjoys the activity. If this is the case, sticking with the activity may be the best choice. Even if your kids experience off days, you’ll know they are passionate about the hobby—despite the occasional grumbling and foot-dragging.

If your child starts dragging her feet every time you head out the door for every practice or meet, makes frequent complaints about the coach or instructor, shrugs his shoulders when you ask whether he’s ready to leave, the activity must not be enjoyable. The time for change may have arrived. Giving up an activity won’t turn your kiddos into quitters. It just means they tried an activity that wasn’t their thing and they’re ready to tackle the next adventure.

If you do ask your kids whether they wish to continue playing a sport or activity, be aware they might agree only to keep the peace or because they assume you expect them to. Interpreting behavior as communication is the key to truly understanding your children. The point is, any activity your children are involved in is meant to be a positive thing, not an added stressor to their lives.

(Note: Maybe your child is passionate about an activity he’s not great at. Let him stick with it anyway, if he chooses. Maybe she’s great at an activity she hates. Let her quit if she’s not passionate about it.)

Talk to your child’s therapist, pediatrician, a teacher or specialist who knows your child almost as well as you do. Gain insight on behaviors and figure out potential hobbies or reasons your kiddo might not enjoy a particular activity.

Let’s say your son loved soccer but suddenly decides he wants to quit, even though he outwardly shows signs he genuinely enjoys the sport. This might be a time for you to dig deeper to make sure he truly wants to quit and you really should let him throw in the towel. The change in attitude may stem from being bullied by another kid. Or maybe he simply doesn’t get along with that particular coach.

Questions a child’s therapist might ask:

• What is a problem or stressor from your point of view?
• How does this problem make you feel?
• If you could wave a magic wand, what positive changes would you make to your life?
• How would you describe your mood?
• What would make you feel more content?
• What is your favorite thing about (dance class, soccer, basketball, etc.)? What is your least favorite? What would make that better?

Try asking your kids these questions if you sense they’re on the verge of quitting. Maybe you’ll find the source of their stress and be able to alleviate the issue. If not, it’s okay to throw in the towel.

Emily Morrison is a freelance writer, former copy editor, full-time mommy and Disney fanatic who lives in Independence with her husband, 5-year-old son and dog.

As always, please consult your health care provider with any questions or concerns.