Tips to Get Better Behavior from Kids Without Yelling

I love my toddler. He is smart, handsome and sweet. Most days, he shares with his baby brother. (Even if it means giving up his prized race car for a bit). He is generally well mannered, making sure to say “please” and “thank you.” He greets everyone he meets with a friendly tone and a wave. He even helps out around the house. There are some days, however, when he can be challenging, stubborn and downright frustrating.

My typical go-to is simply to talk to him. Acknowledging how he feels and seeking to find the motivation behind the resistant behavior helps give me perspective on the best way to proceed. That usually de-escalates the situation.

Although it’s my standard method for getting better behavior, it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I feel as if nothing I am saying or doing makes a difference. That’s when I start to raise my voice, if only to be heard. While it doesn’t happen a lot, it has happened—and it always makes me feel guilty. Raising my voice can certainly stop him in his tracks from time to time, but I know it’s not the best route to reinforcing positive behavior. The question is: What other ways can I get my son to listen and behave?

If you're feeling guilty about your own recent outburst with your child, take heart. According to a 2003 study by Straus, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 74 percent of parents surveyed reported yelling or screaming at their kids. Here are the top three reasons you might be yelling:

• The Power Struggle: You enter into a disagreement with your child. The argument escalates. Feeling as if you are losing control of the situation, you decide to assert your authority by yelling.
• The Bad Day Transferral: You've had a challenging day. You're frustrated and cranky. Something small gets blown out of proportion, and you find yourself yelling, more because of your bad day than the actual transgression itself.
• Out of Time: You're trying to get the kids dressed and out of the house, but no one is listening. Perhaps they are downright refusing. You watch the clock as you continue to try to persuade them to no avail. Feeling hurried and helpless, you yell to reinforce the importance of the situation.

Whatever the reason might be for yelling, there are effective alternatives to it. Lenexa mom Danielle Knolls says, “I believe in getting respect by giving respect, and I have applied that to raising children, as well. I practice consistency and clear expectations. If we were shopping, before we went into a store I would say, ‘I’m here to buy (x, y, z). I know you don't want to be here because you'd rather be doing (x, y, z). The more you misbehave and the more you take my attention, the less I can focus on shopping and the longer we are going to be in the store. And that's just miserable for everyone.’”

Jacquie Fisher suggests using humor. “We try to interject humor or weird words when possible, especially if we are looking to change behaviors that we can’t see. For example, we ask my daughter to brush her ‘pearly purples’ for teeth, and I will randomly insert crazy words or examples when talking to my teenager about keeping up with his planner at school.”

Another option that many parents have found useful is a reward-based system. As a mom of three, Tracie Richmond Fobes highly recommends it. “We use a ticket reward system that works very well for us. Positive behavior earns tickets, and negative behavior takes them away.  It teaches them cause and effect for their actions. They cash in the tickets for money to buy books at school book fairs, donations at church, etc.”

Remember, there are many ways to encourage positive behavior without yelling. It’s simply about finding what works best for you and your family. As Knolls says, “Not all children are alike, nor do they respond to the same tactics. It's a delicate balance, allowing a young child a forum in which to express his feelings without compromising parental authority. That's where consistency helps.”

Jennifer Bosse is a freelance writer and photographer. She lives in Kansas City, KS, with her husband and two sons.