A life not lived for others is not a life. ~ Mother Teresa
Selfishness never has to be taught—something that never ceases to amaze me! Think about it. No one has to teach a toddler how to throw a tantrum. Zero outside influence is necessary for a preschooler to take a coveted toy away from another while yelling in obstinate victory, “Mine!!!” And no formal training is required for children to be experts in the skilled arts of back talking and whining. It’s as though selfishness is deeply embedded into our DNA. Add to the depravity of the human condition the fact that we live in a self-consumed culture that screams, “It’s all about ME!” and parents are up for a monumental task trying to shout more loudly, “No, it’s not!” Raising children to be selfless in a selfish world is tough but certainly not impossible. It takes time, intentionality and commitment.
Know What You’re Aiming For
In 2004, a man by the name of Matt Emmons took his stance as he prepared to shoot in a rifle competition. With a gold medal already to his name, his prospects looked good for qualifying once again. The results of his final shots were impressive and would have counted for seven—possibly eight—points had it not been for one thing. Matt Emmons stood in lane three and shot into lane four. Instead of qualifying for a medal, he left empty-handed as a result of shooting at the wrong target. Dave Stone, author of the book Raising Selfless Kids in a Selfish World, correlates this true story to the parenting journey. “It doesn’t matter if you hit the target if it’s the wrong target,” Dave declares. “There are lots of parents who are raising their kids to be wrapped up in themselves. As a result, their kids will hit the target, but it’s the wrong target.” Certainly no parents look into the eyes of their newborn child only to utter, “I can’t wait to raise a self-absorbed egomaniac!” And yet so often, it’s exactly what many parents do.
Be a Window, Not a Mirror
Ask any parent what she wants most for her child and a universal answer follows: “I want my child to be happy.” Ironically, when happiness is the highest ideal, oftentimes children are anything but. Kids need to see themselves in light of the broader world, not as the center of their own universe. When a child can’t see beyond himself, not only is he intolerable to those around him, but he hurts himself. The happiest people are giving people. Children need reminders that selfishness is seeking personal happiness at the expense of everyone else, whereas selflessness seeks the good of others and, in the process, can provide deep fulfillment. Want happy kids? Teach them to put down the mirror and focus on meeting the needs of others. One day they—and the next generation—will thank you.
Character Is a Muscle
It’s not enough to know what being selfless is. Kids need the opportunity to put these skills into practice. The best way to approach growing in virtue is to think of it as a muscle. Explain that just as working out strengthens muscles, so putting kindness and compassion into practice helps doing what’s right become natural and more automatic. And remember: There’s a reason for the expression “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.” Just as professional musicians begin their rehearsals with basic scales and star athletes never outgrow the need to work out, so selflessness needs to be put into practice often. It takes work, practice and, dare I say, ongoing training. Look for opportunities to serve the local community as a family and point out ways your kids can get involved to help “bulk” those character muscles. Serve dinner at a soup kitchen, sponsor a child through a program like Compassion International, fill Operation Christmas Child boxes around the holidays or simply offer to take the trash out or bring mail to an elderly neighbor. If character really were a muscle, insight would be the warm-up. Expose your child to needs around him and seek to find ways to meet them.
Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons
Tooting your own horn about what you do for others is easy, but true character does the right thing even if no one is looking, even if no one ever finds out and even if you never get a pat on the back for your efforts. One of the best ways to put this into practice is to find ways to serve in secret. Help your child be on the lookout for ways to bless others without being discovered. Encourage him to secretly do his sister’s chores one day or leave anonymous notes of kindness. Over time, the satisfaction of doing what’s right—even if it never gets noticed—will be gift enough.
Practice Thanksgiving Every Month
In our household, like many, November is gratitude month. As a family, we prepare our hearts for Thanksgiving by taking out a specially designated journal and recording what we are thankful for each night. This tradition began years ago and there’s nothing I enjoy more than looking through past lists of thanksgiving. You would think that by the end of the month, finding new things for which to be thankful would be hard, but we’ve discovered just the opposite to be true. Gratitude begets gratitude. Don’t limit thanksgiving to a holiday. Designate a notebook for writing down blessings. And don’t underestimate the value of sending thank you cards or notes of encouragement when someone blesses you!
Lauren Greenlee is a boy mom of three and a freelance writer hailing from Olathe.