As your children grow and experience new things, from foods to activities to people, they may feel overwhelmed by all the world’s bombardments. A toddler’s answer? Lie on the floor and start screaming and pounding the tile or carpet. Think of when you feel out of sorts. As adults, though, we understand we need to step back, go for a run, do yoga, call a friend or simply breathe.
Meltdowns can result in screaming matches between parent and child. With younger children, these sometimes lead to violence, with the child hitting or biting the parent or the parent resorting to spanking the child. Spanking can simply exasperate the situation and cause power struggles.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that parents do not spank their children at all. In fact, research suggests that spanking isn’t actually effective in stopping children from being disruptive. Spanking leads to fear, confusion and anger in children, and can lead to more hitting and biting since violent behavior from a parent begets violent behavior in a child.
So what does work to calm down a frustrated, angry child who just doesn’t want to get dressed, log in to online school or eat breakfast? Here are some time-proven tips.
Number one is easier said than done, yet it is the most valuable tool: Stay calm in front of your child when you are disciplining him, even though your own heart may be racing, and you are near tears! Discipline from a calm place, not from anger. Most important of all, don’t yell at your child. A child feels terrible and confused when a parent yells at him. Discipline is most effective if the parent remains calm.
I once did a skit with my daughter for one of her school plays about how to handle a tantrum in the grocery store line. It was an eye-opening experience because my daughter learned how bad she looked when she melted down! And to think it was all over the fact I didn’t buy her the candy she wanted and that she was hungry and tired.
Be consistent with discipline and follow through when you have made a threat. Try not to make any threat you are not willing to carry through. For example, instead of saying to your child, “You are grounded for the rest of your life,” say, “You are grounded for this weekend. That means no sleepovers or playdates this weekend. That’s final.” The consequence should follow the misbehavior as quickly as possible. For example, “You hit your brother, so you lose TV tonight.”
Reward positive behavior by using a star chart. At the end of every day, for the good behavior you have discussed, reward your child with a gold star on the calendar. If your child gets three or four (you decide how many) gold stars during the week, then on Saturday, he gets a special treat. This may be an outing to an ice cream parlor, a movie or a pizza place. Use this method to help your child get ready for school on time, go to bed peacefully at bedtime or any number of other routines.
Another idea is to create a reward grab bag for times when you go out somewhere. This does not need to be an extravagant undertaking. Dollar stores have inexpensive toys. Giftwrap the toys and put them in a bag. Your child may choose a toy from the bag when you want to reward her for especially good behavior.
Pick your battles. For instance, why should you fight with your preschool-age child if she wants to wear her pajamas all morning or even all day if she’s just staying home? Later, you can encourage her to get dressed by offering to take her out bike riding or for a visit to Grandma’s house.
Have clear consequences for unacceptable behavior, such as time-outs, loss of privileges (e.g., television, computer or video games) or grounding. Explain the system of consequences and rewards clearly to your child.
Even though it seems annoying, count to three. If your child is having a tantrum or misbehaving in another way while you are in the grocery aisle, calmly and firmly count to three. Tell her you will both go to the car and leave all the groceries there if she doesn’t calm down—then do it! At a coffee shop, simply go to the bathroom and calmly have a talk. The book 1-2-3 Magic is a good read for parents.
Don’t give in to your child’s tantrums. Children learn to have more tantrums if that is how they can get their way. Show your child that a tantrum will not get her what she wants.
You might be thinking, “I’ve tried some of these strategies, and they don’t work.” Try thinking out ahead of time what you’re going to do when your child has the next meltdown. Then follow through. You’ll find that your plan, applied with resolve, will work like magic.
The psychology of the tantrum is basically that it is an expression of a young child’s frustration with his limitations or his anger about not getting his way. Maybe your child is having trouble figuring something out or completing a task and doesn’t have the words to express his feelings. This angst results in a meltdown.
Assess whether your child is tired, hungry, feeling ill or has to make some transition soon. Children never plan to frustrate or embarrass you. The tantrum is a way to express frustration. Try running errands when your little one isn’t likely to be hungry or tired. As stated, pack a small toy or snack to occupy her.
Some situations can trigger tantrums, such as when you give your child toys that are too advanced for her. If your child begs for toys or treats when you shop, steer clear of areas with temptations. If your toddler acts up in restaurants, choose places that offer quick service.
Distraction is an amazing tool. Try reading a different book, change your location or make a funny face. If you have asked your child to do something against his will, offer to help. If you have asked him not to play in a certain area, show him where playing is OK!
If your child is actually hitting or kicking someone or trying to run into the street stop the behavior by holding him tightly until he calms down. Once all is quiet, calmly explain your rules and he will remember.
Creativity is fostered by exposing your child to new thoughts and ideas. Encourage free thinking while teaching the rules of daily life. It will be worth it when you see your child grow into a happy, healthy adult!
Sources: PsychologyToday.com, MayoClinic.org.