Picture this: 5-year-old Sarah is sitting in the grocery cart, next to her little brother. When she reaches over and pulls her brother’s hair, her mom responds by slapping her hand and telling her in a loud voice, “Stop that right now, or you’re going to go out and sit in the van by yourself!” Sarah stops, her mother turns around, and the little girl sticks her tongue out at her brother, prompting loud wails of protest. Or this: Jon’s father is having a conversation with an old friend. 16-year-old Jon (with earphones firmly in place) steps into the middle of the conversation, grabs his father’s car keys and tells him, “Come on, I gotta get home.” The dad apologizes profusely, and leaves the conversation and his friend in mid-sentence. Finally, there is 8-year old Jennifer, who is in her backyard, playing with some friends in the wading pool. Someone splashes water in her face and Jennifer stands and cries loudly for a towel. She could get the towel herself, but she knows that if she cries loudly enough for the neighbors to hear that Mom will stop what she is doing to go to the linen closet to get her a towel.
We’ve all witnessed scenes like this. And the difficult part is that many of us can see ourselves in similar situations. Our teenagers become indignant and rude if we do not take them to the mall immediately, our school age children yell and stomp off when they are not allowed to watch television, and sometimes we are shocked to see one sibling strike another in the heat of an argument. This lack of respect perplexes us, it hurts us, and it may even anger us. What’s more, in the long run this rude behavior has even deeper, more harmful consequences. In their book, Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World: Teaching Your Children the Power of Mutual Respect & Consideration, (Prima Publishing, 2001), authors Gary D. McKay, Joyce L. McKay, Daniel Eckstein, and Steven Maybell, suggest: “Because mutual respect is the foundation for all effective human relationships, it is perhaps the most essential value we can teach children.” If we haven’t done so already, it seems that we need to add “Teach children respectful behavior” to our long list of parental responsibilities.
What does respectful behavior look like? Well, according to the authors, “Respectful kids accept responsibility. They learn to be encouraging. These kids possess healthy self-esteem and esteem for others…they learn empathy for others and are more cooperative and thoughtful.” Sounds good, doesn’t it? And just how do we teach respect? The above mentioned authors tell us: “If we wish to have more respectful kids, we need to become more respectful parents.” On the flip side, “When we communicate with disrespect our children don’t respect us. Rudeness begets rudeness.”
The Disrespectful Parent
Most of us are trying to think of a time we were EVER rude to our children. The common thought is, “I treat my children with the utmost respect. Then I turn around and they’re talking back, or interrupting me on the phone, or turning on the television set when I just told them not to.”
But you might be surprised to find out that disrespect comes in many forms. In fact, McKay, McKay, Eckstein and Maybell suggest that there are three “Disrespectful Parenting Roles”. Read on and see if you recognize any of these styles in yourself.
The Boss This is the parent who gives orders. These parents are autocratic and focus on controlling their children. They tell their kids what to do, reward them if they do it, and punish them if they don’t do it. This parent shows disrespect in the form of yelling, threatening, hitting, or manipulation. Sarah’s mother is a “boss”. By threatening, yelling, and hitting she is showing disrespect to her daughter.
The Doormat This is the parent who lets the child walk all over him/her. They set few or no limits. These children learn to do as they please. This type of parenting is disrespectful because these children do not learn responsibility and respect for others. Jon’s dad is a good example of a doormat.
The Servant This is the parent who pampers the child by providing special service. This disrespectful parenting style discourages the child’s belief in him/ herself. Furthermore, these children become extremely disappointed when they discover that the rest of the world will not be providing special service. Jennifer’s mother is an example of a servant.
The Respectful Parent
Do any of these roles ring a bell? Fear not. It’s not too late to let go of these harmful disrespectful parenting roles and adopt some new ones. McKay, McKay, Eckstein and Maybell give us two respectful parenting roles we can adopt. These roles work together to provide positive models of respect.
The Leader Leaders give choices. The choices are given within limits of age and development and limits of a particular situation. Giving choices and letting children learn from the consequences of their choices helps kids learn responsibility for themselves and their responsibility to others.
The Encourager The encourager accepts children as they are in spite of behavior that is unacceptable. Encouragers do not accept misbehavior, but they do accept the child as a worthwhile human being. They are interested in building their children’s self-esteem. They are quick to “catch the child being good.”
It may just be time that we, the parents, learn to recognize and let go of our old disrespectful ways, and adopt some new respectful parenting roles. We do indeed need to give respect in order to get respect. As a result of our efforts, we’ll not only feel happier in our present relationships with our kids, we’ll also know we are setting our children on a path toward forming healthy relationships built on mutual respect.