Congratulations – you’re in love! Though you may be giddy with girlish happiness, your kids (and your partners’ kids) probably aren’t. As a stepparent, you are automatically the bad guy (thanks, Disney!). Blending families is an emotional slurry for everyone. Perhaps the kids harbor hopes that their real parents will reunite. Or, if the kids like their stepparent, they wrestle with guilt for being “disloyal” to their biological parent. Maybe they’re just worried they’ll have to give up their bedroom.
To help you avoid a Disney villain persona, here are some helpful tips:
Deal With Different Parenting Styles
Have a candid conversation about parenting, without the kids. Come to a mutual understanding before an issue arises. If you can’t agree now, seek professional help before your marriage is doomed.
Candid conversation topic ideas:
- How do you see the stepparent role?
- How do you plan to discipline the kids and who will do it?
- What are your expectations?
- What are your fears?
Breaking the News:
When I was 7, my brothers (3 and 10) and I walked up to my dad’s house for the weekend to find a stranger with him. She didn’t say a word to us throughout the evening, nor did he introduce us. This is not the way your kids should meet a new stepparent.
The beginning sets the tone for your future. Make introductions, share your feelings, be open about your plans and get with the bonding. If possible, get the ex’s support. If you can garner support from the entire extended family (ex-spouses, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.), it will be easier for the children to feel comfortable with the new family dynamic.
Blending families “is an evolving process where respectful open communications are essential,” Dr. Scott Meit, psychologist, says. “It is important to involve children in discussions and even negotiations of new rules, family traditions and even a sense of family mission.”
Easing the Transition:
Children need to feel heard, supported and loved. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but ignoring their concerns will build resentment and lead to conflict–guaranteed.
The biggest challenge stepparents face, according to Dr. Meit, is “building alliances with new stepchildren–attempting to set foundations for healthy relations with the children and at the same time being seen in a respected parental role.”
Tips for bonding with the kids:
- Do family activities. Go ice-skating or see a baseball game.
- Take an interest in their hobbies, sports or academics. But be sincere.
- Be positive.
- Be patient.
- Tell ALL the kids you care about them often.
- It’s more important to be understanding than right.
Also, be sure to find some personal space for visiting stepchildren. I slept in a storage room at my dad’s house. I never felt comfortable and rarely invited friends over. If you want happy kids, make an effort to make them comfortable.
Building a Solid Foundation:
Judy H. Wright, family relationship coach and author, says you must “put your marriage first” to overcome the “yours, mine, ours, theirs” mindset (www.artichokepress.com).
Put your marriage first tips:
- Consider moving. A new home equals neutral territory and a fresh start.
- Make couple time a priority. Start a date night tradition—no kids, no exes, no bills.
- Work with (never against) your partner.
- Set clear boundaries.
Giving you marriage priority shows the kids that it is permanent and offers long-term security for them.
Approaching Complaints and Conflicts:
It’s inevitable. Your new family will experience conflict. Your stepkids will tell you they hate you and you’re not their real parent. Your kids will tell you they’d rather live with your ex. Remember: the problem is not really that they hate you but rather that they hate the situation.
Although most professionals suggest playing the role of supportive friend or fun babysitter, sometimes you have to stand firm. Say “I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you and have your best interests at heart, but this (insert issue) is unacceptable in this house.”
Tips for dealing with conflict:
- Be consistent.
- Nix personal criticisms.
- Focus on the problems, not the people or positions.
- Find mutually satisfactory solutions.
- Consider counseling.
When you have stepchildren, new children, stepparents and exes, it’s important to diffuse problems as they arise. If you procrastinate, frustrations will build. Eventually, ongoing power struggles will ignite a Fourth-of-July-like fight.
Victoria Pressley comes from an extended family. Both her parents remarried, she has two brothers, two half sisters, two stepbrothers and a stepmom. She currently lives with her husband and two small children in Leavenworth.