We each have different parenting styles, but the fact is, all kids need correction from time to time. Big sister may throw a toy out of anger and you might have to say, “Oh no, I know you’re mad, but let’s please be careful.” Maybe she takes a toy away from little brother and you chime in, “Listen, it’s Tommy’s turn right now. Can we give the toy back to him?” Maybe you use the time-out method during particularly bad meltdowns.
These techniques may work well for your own kids, but what if you’re in a situation where someone else’s kiddo needs correction? Discipline can be a controversial and complex subject when it comes to your own kids, so it is even more complicated when it comes to other people’s kids. Is it okay to chime in? Should you keep your thoughts to yourself? Parents won’t always see eye to eye, but wanting to teach our kids right from wrong is universal.
A quick social media poll reveals that a majority of parents agree (within reason) that it may be appropriate to step in and correct problematic behavior. Teachers are expected to, and parents feel it may be necessary at times.
Ashli Gatton, mom of two, is comfortable speaking up when necessary but is not in favor of disciplining someone else’s child. “I am okay with saying something like, ‘That wasn’t very nice,’ to the child, and leave it at that,” she says.
Kelsey Donohue, mom of two, says if a child pushes, hits or bites her child, she will absolutely provide correction. “It’s usually a ‘Hey, that’s not very nice to push your friend. Can you say sorry?’ I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as long as it is providing calm correction to a behavior that directly affected your child,” she says.
Donohue adds that she would expect the same from another parent if her child did something like this and she wasn’t around. “Parents should be in this together,” she says.
Amanda Shaw, mom of three, believes in stepping in sometimes. “If I see a kid knock down another kid intentionally, I feel like it’s my job to say something. I make eye contact with the kid and make sure they know that behavior is not okay. I do this especially if I know the kid’s parents.”
Lindsey Parks has been in several situations in which she said, “Nope. We do NOT do that,” to a child when she’s seen them be mean or aggressive. “Once was even when the parent was right there and didn’t do anything. My view is, if you wouldn’t want your kids to be treated a certain way, don’t let kids treat other kids that way, even if they’re not your own,” Parks says.
Children often learn behavior from their parents, says Amanda Kephart, who agrees with intervening when possible. Her human development courses taught her it’s important to show right and wrong in order to help a child grow.
“Even just the shock of, ‘Oh, a stranger is telling me that behavior is bad—wow, that’s new to me,’ is enough of an impact,” she says. “Advocating for your child and showing positive alternatives is the way to go. If someone else’s child is behaving in a way that socially is not acceptable, intervene and redirect if possible.”
If you find yourself in a sticky situation or wonder what a general rule of thumb might be when it comes to discipline, Brooke Wilson, mom of two, offers some perspective. Wilson believes there are two general scenarios where it’s appropriate to discipline someone else’s child.
- If you know the child personally and know their parents will be okay with you taking charge (a niece or nephew or a close friend’s kid, for example). I often scold or redirect my sisters’ kids without thinking, but it’s because I know them well enough to recognize when I need to step into that disciplinary role.
- You’re in a setting where you are actively in charge of other people’s kids, even if you don’t know them well. When I volunteer in the church toddler room, I will mildly discipline someone who is out of line, if only enough to diffuse the situation. When parents leave their kids in a care setting, even an informal one on Sunday mornings, they usually understand that their kid might get a time-out or a talking to if they deserve it. But it’s always age-appropriate and a lot of passive, calm language: “Whoa, whoa, hey buddy, let’s not do that. Let’s take a break,” etc. If something is bad enough, time to step aside and get the parents involved.
Emily Morrison is a freelance writer, former copy editor, full-time mommy and Disney fanatic who lives in Independence with her husband, 5-year old son and dog.