Remember the old 1940s Disney character Pinocchio? I’m sure you can recall that every time the little wooden boy lied, his nose grew. I have to say I’m thankful that doesn’t happen in real life! Although I don’t make lying a regular habit in my life, I am just as guilty as the next person of telling little white lies such as, “No, you do not look like you’ve gained weight,” or “Yes, your picture is beautiful,” or even “It is WAY past your bedtime (even though it’s only 6:30).” I’m sure each and every one of us can recall a time in our lives when we lied, whether it was one of those tiny white lies or a real doozy. In fact, many of us probably tell lies now as adults! Though telling untruths may feel harmless to us, if you’ve ever caught your child in one of these little lies, you know the panic that rises when you think you may have a compulsive liar on your hands. So, what in the world are you to do about it?!
Here’s a truth that might help slightly: Lying is actually very common—and normal—among children. According to an article on PBS.org, a study shows 96 percent of children lie, with 4-year-olds lying, on average, every two hours! The good news is these lies are usually pretty harmless. The bad news? The older children are, the more serious the lies tend to be and the better they are at it.
So what causes children to lie? You might be surprised to find out a wide variety of reasons tempt kids to avoid telling the truth. Just some of the reasons kids lie:
- To avoid getting in trouble or avoid conflict
- To appear cool to friends
- For attention
- Because they’re under stress
- To cover when something bad or embarrassing happens
- To be polite
- Wishful thinking
- Experimenting
- To get out of or avoid something
- Speaking before thinking
Lies also look different depending on the age and stage of your child. Around the ages of 2-4, children will lie as a way of testing boundaries or trying out a new behavior, but more often it revolves around wishful thinking. Language skills are still developing, so oftentimes children this age don’t really know, much less understand, where the truth begins and ends. Danielle Calhoon, preschool teacher and Lenexa mom of two, explains further. “Imagination can cause a child to tell a ‘story’ to pass off as the truth, like saying they have a dog (when they don’t) or their family is going on vacation (when they’re not),” she says. “Imagination and pretend play are very important in a child’s development and should be encouraged. Real and pretend concepts tend to flesh out around 3 to 4 years old, so keep that in mind.” Around 5-8 years old, children are definitely able to tell a lie, which is usually to see what they can get away with. Lies around homework, school, friends and eating are common. Most of these lies are fairly easy to detect and don’t involve high stakes. After age 8, lies can become more deceitful, more involved and have farther reaching effects. It’s important to note that lies might be more socially motivated at this stage, too.
You may be wondering how parents are supposed to handle lying. One important thing is to note why the lie is happening or what is behind it. Your child’s age and stage, severity of the lie and the frequency are all factors to take into consideration, as well. For the very young children in that 2-4 age range, Calhoon says, “I always advise parents not to ask, but calmly state what you see. ‘I see you ate some of the brownies we were saving for the party. Remember, we need to have enough for everyone. It looks like you have had your share now. Let's go wash off your face and get ready to leave.’ This eliminates the power struggle and allows the child to save face. There is no shaming or arguing, just a statement of what happened. But notice it does allow the child to see the consequences of their actions in a way that is natural and logical.”
For the remaining ages of children, parents can help their kids avoid lying in the first place. Help your child to understand the importance of trust. “I tell our daughters I don’t trust people who lie. If they lie, I don’t know what is the truth and what isn't,” Elizabeth Quint, Overland Park mom of two, says. “I always want to trust you, so always tell me the truth. I remind them sometimes the truth is hard to say, but I'm going to love them no matter what happens.”
Make sure your child knows telling the truth will equal less severe (but not zero) consequences. Also, give your child the opportunity for a redo if you suspect a lie. Walk away and allow your youngster the opportunity to change the story without consequence—although this technique is not appropriate for a chronic liar. Another a word of caution: Try not to back your child into a corner where he feels “forced” to lie. As Calhoon mentions above, calmly state what you already know instead of questioning, which leaves your child open for a lie. Lorna Walker, Overland Park mom of two, says, “We take each situation as it comes and give our boys a chance to be honest about each one. Sometimes we know they are being dishonest and sometimes we don’t. That’s a normal part of raising kids, I suppose. We always give high praises for being honest and share the benefits from the start, even if they fear us being upset. We also share the consequences for dishonesty from the start. That has helped them want to continue being honest, even if they know we may be disappointed about the situation.”
Finally, remember to model the behavior you want your children to copy. If they overhear you lying to someone, chances are they will think it’s okay for them to do the same thing. But if you go about your day with honesty and integrity, believe it or not, they are going to be watching and learning what good character looks like along the way.
Julie Collett writes from Overland Park where she has plenty of opportunities to practice honesty with her four children!
As always, sharing a good book can be a great teaching opportunity too!
- The Empty Pot by Demi
- Edwurd Fudwupper Fibbed Big by Berkeley Breathed
- Howard Wigglebottom and the Monkey on His Back by Howard Blinkow
- Three Bears in a Boat by David Soman