Sometimes it may seem like we put more time and energy into training and grooming our dogs than our children. We teach our dogs to patiently wait and not beg, shake hands and not put their wet feet on the furniture. Meanwhile, we are not sure where to begin with our child. Some of the most valuable lessons your child learns do not come from the classroom; life skills like having good manners start at home.
Manners build a foundation for success. “Any kind of effectiveness is important for building a child’s sense of self-worth. If you teach a child how to be effective in getting his interpersonal needs met, he will be more well rounded and better adjusted,” says Dr. Patricia Rebeck, Overland Park psychologist. It is natural to want your child to be viewed positively by others. “For the purpose of self-respect, you need to have a good reaction from other people. Children need to have a sense of themselves as being valuable,” says Rebeck.
Practicing good social behavior makes a positive statement about your child. It is more than using the words please and thank you. Acting appropriately at school, places of worship, birthday parties and holiday dinners shows that your child is responsible toward himself and others. “If you are treating that other person with respect, dignity and courtesy, eventually a lot of that will come back and be shown to you,” says Dr. Paul Anderson, Overland Park psychologist. Children often focus on themselves and forget about the needs of others. “It is essential for any kind of healthy, growing relationship built upon mutual respect. Otherwise, it is all about me,” adds Anderson. Some children have a tendency to be aggressive in their words and actions. The ramifications like hurt feelings and even injuries to others are serious and should be confronted at home.
Set an example worth following. “Manners start with mom and dad and their lifestyles. I think manners are as much nonverbal as they are verbal,” Anderson says.
Your actions matter more than you may think. “Parents have to be careful because kids really pay attention. If they hear their parents talking bad about someone or gossiping, naturally they are going to do that too,” warns Janis Kliethermes, founder of Etiquette Kansas City. Instead, focus on the positive qualities of others. “Say that your job as a friend is to uplift others and not put them down,” adds Kliethermes.
Do not be afraid to point out others who are setting a good example, too. “As you watch television or movies, comment on characters that are demonstrating good manners. Listen to what a character says to another person and ask your child how he thinks that made the person feel,” recommends Dr. Linda Simmons, Psy.D., Kansas City, Mo. This will open dialogue and encourage empathy.
Practice makes perfect. “Teach them in non-stressful situations and reinforce good behavior,” recommends Jeremiah Enna, founder of Gross Busterz. You may choose to role play to prepare for situations. Focus on developing an age-appropriate skill, whether it is saying please and thank you, addressing an adult with Mr. or Mrs. instead of their first name or taking a phone message. “Consistency is always the key to anything with parenting,” says Kleithermes.
Nobody is born with manners. “It is a skill that any child can develop. It is not dependent on intellectual levels, but on awareness of others,” says Simmons. A little assistance can only help. Your child may participate in manner school and be twirling his spaghetti on his fork before he knows it. He may even surprise himself and enjoy it.
Give your child opportunities to practice social skills. “You need to create an environment where making those better choices is popular and fun,” insists Enna. Do not leave your child out of social situations because you are afraid of poor behavior. “Parents should include kids when they have company and allow them to make conversation,” Kleithermes insists. “They need to have kids in the room, expose them to different situations and make them a part of it. It will make a huge difference.” Be sure to stress the importance of respecting other cultures, as their customs may differ from your own. When your child is prepared, he will be more accepting.
Taking advantage of opportunities like volunteering at the animal shelter or food bank can also foster a greater sense of civics and responsibility. For the curious child, you may want to present some information on the Bill of Rights, history of our country or even teach him the name of his congressman.
Provide encouragement. “Positive feedback when they use good manners builds confidence in being able to relate socially to others and trains kids to think about others and their feelings,” says Simmons. Catch your child when he uses good manners and praise him. Be careful not to confuse teaching manners with discipline. “Never let manners become more important than your child’s confidence that you love and like him,” says Enna.
Remember your purpose. “When you teach etiquette, it is not to let people think they are better than anyone else. It goes beyond knowing which fork to use,” Kliethermes says. “It is about being comfortable when talking, whether it is to adults or in a social situation. It is to build confidence.” Children can find it stressful to introduce themselves, make eye contact or walk into a room with confidence. Let your child know that good manners can help and are an overall success builder. “It increases their chances of getting better jobs, being more impressive in the workplace and doing better in school,” says Enna. Put your best foot forward and get ready to greet the world!
Local Etiquette Classes
- Etiquette Kansas City, 816.977.6182, http://www.etiquettekansascity.com
- Gross Busterz, 913.393.3141, http://www.grossbusterz.com
Manners Books for Kids:
- Emily Post’s The Guide to Good Manners for Kids, by Peggy Post and Cindy Post Senning – Will get your child through any situation, home, school, play, travel, special occasions and more!
- Manners, by Aliki – Funny, colorful and entertaining book for the young child