"I just want to be rewarded for all of my hard work. I work really hard, and I get nothing,” my 7-year-old daughter sobbed as she sat on my lap, distraught after yet another gymnastics session in which she felt she didn’t measure up to her peers.
"What kind of a reward do you think you should get?" I prodded.
"A piece of candy."
And that’s when I knew we had entered…the Praise and Reward Zone, where kids expect to hear “Good job!” and receive a trinket or trophy for every achievement, including just showing up.
It’s natural instinct to want to build a child’s self-esteem by piling on the praise and rewarding their every effort. It’s tough to watch children suffer through disappointment, failure and hurt feelings. But well-intentioned parents who over-praise their children and offer frequent tangible rewards might be doing more harm than good.
“Constant external rewards actually end up reducing positive behavior, because children come to expect material items or constant praise for every task,” says Carmen McHenry, a Northland mother of three young children and a licensed child and family therapist at Water Street Family Counseling in Liberty. “In our society today, excess is valued at times, leading to a ‘the bigger, the better’ mentality. Rewards are becoming increasingly excessive, as well. That’s the problem.”
Heaping generic praise on children can also backfire. Instead of serving as a self-esteem booster, compliments can discourage children from taking risks or attempting new challenges. They also can leave children with the impression that they must consistently meet exceptionally high standards.
Does that mean parents should avoid using extrinsic rewards and verbal praise all together? Absolutely not. But if your goal is to transition from external motivation to internal motivation, offering specific verbal praise is a step in the right direction. “When I talk with parents about verbal praise, I stress that it needs to be specific,” notes Amy Hines, a Kansas City mother of two and a parent educator with the North Kansas City School District’s Parents as Teachers program, which works with parents of children 5 years old and younger. “’Good job’ isn’t as meaningful to a child as ‘Wow! Look at how well you wrote your name! How do you feel when you write your name so well?’ Tying it to their feelings helps develop a sense of intrinsic motivation.”
Combining specific praise with simple rewards, especially for younger children, will also help them develop an internal focus. “Rewards don’t need to be tangible,” says Hines. “They can include a special trip to the park or time alone with a parent. Typically, I encourage parents to use rewards only when a specific behavior needs to change.”
According to Victoria Anderson, a Kansas City mom of two teenagers and a licensed marriage and family therapist at Water Street Family Counseling, there are red flags parents should watch for that will let them know when their praise and reward system isn’t working. “One sign is when attitudes of entitlement creep in. If your teenager says ‘How much will I get for that?’ when you ask him to do an extra chore or ‘The work isn’t worth the money you give me,’ then it’s time to have a conversation and reevaluate.”
Anderson says signs of stress, such as withdrawing, falling grades or performance, increased irritability or picking fights with others in the family, also can indicate the need for a change. “If these signs start to appear, reflect a moment. Try to step into your teen's world and see where they might be coming from. Convey that you genuinely care by asking for clarification about how they are experiencing the expectations at home. Ask if they think those expectations are reasonable, and if not, what about them seems unreasonable? Do they have any suggestions to make it easier on them? Teens feel respected and grow in maturity and expression when parents are willing to consider their perspectives and make adjustments."
Whether and how to reward children is a family decision, and finding an approach that works well is a matter of trial and error. What works with one child won’t necessarily work with another, as Melissa Kay Henderson, a Shawnee mother of three, discovered. “I have tried so many different rewards with my kids, and I have come to the conclusion that every situation is different, as is every kid,” she says. “My daughter is happy just to please me. I thank her and hug her, and she's good with that. My oldest son is motivated by cold hard cash, but the youngest is not motivated by much at all. He tries hard at sports because that is what he loves, but we have yet to find the perfect motivator for him in other areas.”
For children today, spending quality time with their parents is the perfect reward, especially as families seem busier than ever. McHenry recommends offering connection activities as motivators and rewards. Anything, from letting the child pick the game on family night to staying up later than siblings to going to a movie with one parent, can shift the focus away from external rewards and create an internal feeling of self-esteem and pride.
“Many times, children act out because they lack connection or want us to be present with them,” McHenry says. “By this I mean ‘eye contact, really listening’ present, not ‘on our phones next to them’ present. I literally have been making myself leave my phone in the car or plugged into the wall so I can practice what I preach, because it can be so difficult at times.”
McHenry advises parents to follow their intuition when it comes to their specific situation. “If you feel disconnected and that you are overusing external rewards, you probably should change it up a bit,” she says. “Transitioning out of excessive use of material rewards will be challenging, but it can be done. Expect some unhappy kids at first. You are the parent, and disappointed kids are okay. Life is not always full of praise and smiley faces. Ultimately, they will be fine if they are getting genuine emotional connection through quality time with you.”
Mari Rydings is a freelance writer and editor from Platte Woods. She blogs at MyIdealReality.com.