Dealing with whining kids may be one of the most difficult jobs a parent must do. Why does it always seem to be when you are in a rush, grabbing necessary grocery items, waiting in line to check out, that your 3-year-old melts down? He doesn’t want to sit in the cart. He doesn’t want to be here. And, pleeeeeease, can he have candy? Mommy, pleeeeeease?! You know you should say no. But if you say yes, he might cooperate and stop whining. What’s a parent to do?
The first thing parents should realize is that whining is a result of a child’s needs not being met. Obviously, parents can’t do everything to make their kids happy, and sometimes kids need to tough it out when a day hasn’t gone their way. However, kids are kids. They get tired and hungry and bored (like adults do!), and that often leads to whining. Aha! Parenting.com, a website offering insights by clinical psychologist Laura Markham, PhD, suggests that if kids’ needs are met—proper rest, good nutrition and activities to keep them busy—the whining will decrease.
Another major cause of whining is lack of connection to Mom and Dad. Kids are smart little things. They know that whining will get a reaction out of you. Even if it’s negative response, at least they got your attention. If whining is becoming a common problem in your household, brainstorm ideas for bonding with your child. How can you fit in some one-on-one time? In “The Cure for Whining,” Markham says even if it’s a quick coloring session or game of Go Fish, this connection might help stave off some annoying kid-speak.
Now, how to respond? Because we all know that no matter how hard we try to prevent it, this frustrating aspect of parenthood is somewhat inevitable. The number one rule of parenting is not to indulge whining. But that’s easier said than done. The first step is to remain calm in response. Parents.com recommends a completely neutral facial expression. State, without emotion, that you will not hear a whining voice and will only respond when your child speaks in a nicer voice.
Also, capitalize on the fact that young children want to feel big, important and valuable. If they are whining about running errands or picking up toys, for instance, make it a job. Kids like being helpers. Ask them to help pick out items at the store or carry bags. Ask them to be leaders and helpers at home with “important jobs.” This sense of purpose and responsibility often will encourage cooperation. Furthermore, whining often rises out of kids’ wanting to gain control and manipulate a situation. If you respond by saying they will have a say in how things go, but only if they speak nicely like a big kid, you’ve ended the whining and given them some control.
Parents.com emphasizes the importance of modeling examples. We often assume kids know what we want from them, but sometimes they need direction. Model what “asking nicely” and “speaking like a big kid” look and sound like. Then, when they do it properly, praise, praise, praise! Another idea is to distract them. Especially for younger kids, a tickle fight, joke-telling or singing songs may bring a smile to your child’s face and make him forget about why he was whining in the first place.
Finally, if whining is a chronic problem related to a specific event or task, it might be time to reevaluate your routine. If something like getting dressed causes discord on a daily basis, try picking out outfits the night before and providing rewards for getting dressed in a timely manner. If your 3-year-old consistently acts up at your older son’s basketball games, try to bring some special snacks or new activities to keep him busy. Consider taking him for a walk half-way through the game to release some energy and help him feel noticed and valued at his brother’s event.
Hopefully, these tips will help you fight the dreaded w-word in your home! Remember: Model examples, meet their needs and don’t indulge or react with emotion. Let’s kick whining to the curb!
Quiz:
- It’s okay to indulge in whining sometimes. (FALSE)
- Whining often results when a child’s needs aren't being met. (TRUE)
- One way to stop whining is to help the child feel important and connected to you. (TRUE)
- Yelling at kids to stop whining is effective. (FALSE)
- Kids often need examples of what speaking properly sounds like. (TRUE)
Olathe mom Karen Johnson has three children, ages 6, 4 and 2. She writes at The21stCenturySAHM.com.