Is your home a retreat from responsibility or a place of movement and growth? ~ Dr. Henry Cloud
Boy, was I thankful for baby gates as a young mom! I remember jumping up from the couch every time I saw my little one make a beeline for the Berber-carpeted stairs that took a steep dive toward the finished basement. It never really mattered how many times I would tell her no-no! Mommy doesn’t want you to get hurt! She would still go directly to where she wasn’t supposed to go. She didn’t understand she was in danger, and as often as I would redirect her from that peril, she would still head straight to the forbidden. I remember telling my husband how setting a few physical boundaries gave our little girl freedom in her own space; it made her feel secure and safe and allowed me to relax. It also saved me from using no as a reflex response! Ironically, boundaries in our home became a place of movement and growth.
Children are born without an understanding of power and constantly try to control things and assert power over things that are not theirs. The beauty of boundary development is that it respects the limits of others, involves self-protection and offers a sense of control and choice. Using the word no in boundary development allows for correction and provides children with more internal structure and responsibility. Children mature by gathering information and sometimes making mistakes and choices within their boundaries, but those mistakes are their teachers! I have always thought of boundaries as the banks of a river. Children have so much freedom and opportunity within the banks of their river, but if we don’t teach them ownership and responsibility within those riverbanks, kids spill over into other areas and lose control. They often blame others for their mistakes and don’t take responsibility for their choices.
Ultimately, teaching children that their success or failure depends on them and their own choices within their river fosters ownership and responsibility. As parents, we have the job of helping our children take the initiative to think, make good decisions and find a balance of control in their lives. When children make decisions suitable for their age, they feel a sense of control and security, and when they feel secure, they are more content and confident. As parents, we may ache to prevent our children from making painful decisions, but that can diminish the importance of our children’s taking responsibility for their actions. They must learn to consider the importance of making their own decisions and not relying on others to make those decisions for them. Tying in consequences to a child’s actions best replicates a broader worldview beyond the tiny one they see from their immature perspective. It prepares them to become healthy, functioning adults in a very big world!
I often find myself kneeling at eye level with my children. Seeing things from their perspective helps me glimpse how they view their world, and their world is big and overwhelming! I can understand how if children have no boundaries in this big and overwhelming world, they lose respect for others and do not understand limits. They can run across the street anytime, take from others when they feel like it and set boundaries around things that are not theirs. Children who never understand their limits to power can become controlling. Setting boundaries—even when it means disappointing others—tells them how they should treat you. A boundary is a safe way to create healthy relationships and interactions, but control tells others what they can and cannot do. It’s not about controlling children but setting boundaries for them to take ownership of their actions and choices.
Springing forward 21 years from that baby gate obsessed toddler, I find that one of the most talked about subjects in our home today still is boundaries. Yes, we have removed the wooden baby gates, and yes, we still have the well-worn Berber carpeting on those steep basement stairs, but we don’t have to use the word no much anymore. Creating boundaries for our young children was good; it created a safe place, saved my sanity, taught my children responsibility and respect, and taught them ownership of their decisions and life’s problems. Boundaries also define us as parents; they show our children where we end and they begin. That leads to respect, trust and patience! The word no can teach children delayed gratification and patience, preparing them for adulthood. As adults, my children better understand what they own because of boundaries and how taking responsibility for their space gives them freedom. They know where their yard ends and others begin. They are free to do what they like in their space.
As you begin to draw boundaries for your child, which often requires the word no, consider your child’s age, abilities and developmental stage. Boundaries are a guide to your children’s behavior and keep them safe—but they don’t necessarily keep them happy!
Be realistic!
Children are still growing, learning and pushing the limits. Many times, it isn’t the boundary you have set that they are resisting but how they feel about it. Children are incredibly emotional beings who feel more about things than understand the reasoning behind those things.
Listen to your child.
Respect begins with you as the parent modeling it for your children. There is nothing wrong with listening to your child and hearing that he disagrees with your boundaries. That doesn’t mean you change or move his boundaries; it means you are listening to him, even in his frustration. Your boundaries remain firm, and your child’s emotional response does not dictate them.
Consistency is key in responding to your kids.
They will push back, so you have to be prepared in your weak and exhausted moments to continue to say no with intention, purpose and calm.
Communicate the boundaries you have created.
Lack of communication can cause the most significant breakdown in a family unit. We may assume children know what is going on in our exhausted and overworked brains, but they do not. They need clarity, direction and patience.
Take heart, dear parents! These years go quickly, and the investment you are making in your children’s lives to help them develop healthy responses to the challenges they face as they grow is priceless. Make your home a place of movement and growth!
Elizabeth Hammond thrives in her tiny overland park cottage as a homeschooling mama of 6 who believes that boundaries have become a compass for her children to navigate through life!