Guilt Busters for Mom

When my firstborn was 1 day old, she and I were alone in the hospital room while the rest of the family went out to eat. Breastfeeding was not going as planned, and I was supplementing with formula. My daughter voiced her opinion on the meal by screaming and kicking. Just as formula spilled on both of us, a nurse rushed in. Unbeknownst to me, my precious bundle of joy had kicked so hard her security bracelet had fallen off, setting off alarms in the maternity ward.

My husband returned to a wailing baby and sobbing wife. How could I possibly raise a child if I couldn’t even take care of her most basic needs?

This was my first trip to the land of Mom Guilt, and I’ve been a frequent visitor ever since. Most moms experience guilt from time to time. So what can you do to minimize those guilty feelings?

• Focus on the positive. Billi is a single mom in Belton who says her biggest mom guilt is working the overnight shift. She sleeps during the day and sometimes misses out on time with her girls. She focuses on the upside, though. “I remind myself that my job pays the bills and those extras the girls want. It keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table. By working nights, I am able to volunteer at the girls’ school, which they think is awesome.”
• Don’t compare yourself to others. I know a mom who cooks homemade meals using organic ingredients every day, sews most of her kids’ clothes, whips out fabulous scrapbooks on a regular basis and is Ms. Organization. Me? I often serve mac ‘n cheese from the box, buy my kids’ clothes off the clearance rack, am behind on scrapbooks and am buried in clutter. But I’m a good mom, and so is she. It’s okay to be different.
• Remember you’re not Polyanna. Shanna is a Belton mom who admits, “I sometimes lose my cool when both kids are melting down!” Recently she took out her frustrations on the trash can, kicking and shoving it. She then noticed her 2-year-old was watching her with a strange look on his face.

We all have moments of frustration and anger, we all get overwhelmed and we all  make mistakes. And it’s okay, as long as we’re not taking our aggravations out on those around us. As Shanna says, “Better than yelling at my son, right?”

• Just say no. We often try to achieve the status of Super Mom, but nobody can do it all. Saying no—to heading up class parties, leading a Girl Scout troop, a work promotion that involves longer hours—is okay and will make you a better mom in the long run. Focus on the things that mean the most and invest your time and energy into doing those things really well. Your sanity will thank you.
• Order a “time-out.” For yourself, that is. Melissa, a Raymore mom, often goes home before she picks up her daughter from daycare. “Sometimes I just need a half-hour to myself,” she says, but admits she feels guilty about it. However, we all need time to unwind. Schedule a massage, go for a walk, take a book to the park or do whatever it takes to recharge your batteries. You’ll be calmer and more focused afterwards.
• Don’t let others make you feel guilty. Coming from other moms (“You mean you’re not breastfeeding?”) and from our own kids (“You never play with me!”), it sometimes seems that everyone is trying to lay on the guilt. Stay strong and remind yourself that you are a fabulous mom.
• Remember you’re not alone. Talk to friends and family when you feel the pangs of mom guilt, and, chances are, they’ll nod sympathetically and share their own stories. Knowing that others have “been there, done that” can help lighten the load.

Tisha Foley lives in Belton with her husband, daughter and son. Hearing dozens of stories of “mom guilt” while researching this story made her realize that we’re all in this together.