Helping Children Cope when Grandparents Age
Barbara Kouba knows what it’s like to live with aging grandparents. “My family lived with my grandfather in his farmhouse until his death, when I was a freshman in college,” she recalls. The Raytown wife, mother and now grandmother herself has had much experience in living with elderly relatives. Not only did she grow up living in the same home as her grandfather, later, as a young mother, she and her family shared their home with her father-in-law.
“Grandpa Kouba came to live with us when the children were still in elementary school. He would stay all winter long, and then return to Michigan when summer came.” The family shared their home with Grandpa for 18 winters.
As time passes, grandparents, just like parents, age. And even though parents may seem perpetually “old” to children, a grandparent’s aging process may be much more noticeable to them. Grandparents aren’t as active as a parent; they may take a fall and require extra help that a younger person wouldn’t. Hearing aids or surgeries may be the topics of conversation, and medications of various sizes and shapes appear and disappear during the course of a day. Changes in the grandparents’ behavior also may become noticeable to the kids.
For instance, grandparents may “interrupt” when the children are talking. “Grandpa and Grandma just kept talking and talking,” is the complaint. Further investigation reveals that the aging grandparents were having trouble hearing and were either talking over the children accidentally or not answering them at all. While this can be embarrassing to both kids and grandparents, with a bit of education, children can come to better understand the issues like this that touch them and their elderly relatives.
Children also may not understand when a grandparent laughs at something about which the child is very sincere. Feelings can get hurt because the child believes a grandparent is laughing at them, when in reality the grandparent is expressing pleasure at something “sweet” the child did or said. One young girl was accustomed to seeing large round bales of hay in the area in which she lived. Upon seeing small square ones, she exclaimed, “Oh those must be for miniature horses since they are so tiny.” Very serious to her, but quite funny to an adult.
These misunderstandings can often be addressed and forgiven, simply by taking the time to explain to the child what is happening and why. “I was forever smoothing over hurt feelings,” Barbara said. “But children are very resilient and accepting of the way things are.”
By using these situations as “teachable moments,” parents have the opportunity to educate, inform and calm their child’s concerns all at the same time. Scour the library for appropriately aged books that address the issue of aging. For instance, if your child’s grandparent has recently purchased hearing aids, it may be helpful to find a book that details the dynamics of hearing aids. Then explain to your child, on his or her own level, exactly how the aids work and why some people need them. A trip to the hearing aid center of your local store can be quite interesting to a young mind full of questions, as well.
Keep in mind, that if your child has a long distance relationship with his or her grandparents, the length of time between visits makes the effects of aging much more apparent. A child who only sees their grandparent every few years can be expected to more easily pick out change between this visit and the last one, whether it is a frailer frame or thinning hair--especially if an aging grandparent has experienced recent health issues. The child’s natural tendency is to expect a grandparent to look and act just like they did several years ago.
If you know the grandparent has experienced noticeable decline since the last visit, discussing the subject prior to the visit it may be wise. Let the child know that Grandma won’t look like she did last time, or that Grandpa is having trouble remembering names. That will allow the children time to process through questions and concerns as well as reduce any surprise. For a younger child, an object lesson may be able to help them better understand the aging process. When walking through the garden, you can point out the difference between the size and shape of a new flower and one planted earlier. You could also show your child pictures of the family pet when he or she was a kitten or puppy, and contrast that with the mature pet.
For older children books can also be a great segue into conversation and can even answer questions that the child may be afraid to ask. A good selection of books in the juvenile department of local bookstores and libraries address aging, stroke and Alzheimer’s disease, to name a few.
Whether the relationship with grandparents is local or long distance, listening to your child’s concerns and talking with your child can go a long way toward helping to bridge the generation gap.
Sandy Brooks is a freelance writer who lives in Lee’s Summit.