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Don’t Compare

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Attention parents: If your children are as different as night and day, raise your hand! And if you’ve ever compared your child to another, raise your other hand!

 

Parenting is not easy. We all know that. And as a parent, it’s easy to feel frustrated, especially when your children’s personalities are complete opposites. One may be laid back and quiet while the other is stubborn and always pushing your buttons. Perhaps one is a bookworm while the other loves running around outdoors. Or maybe one child excels in school while the other struggles. These differences in personalities are completely normal; no two people are alike. However, when differences are apparent, the act of comparing often rears its ugly head.

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
 “You should take ballet like your sister. Soccer is silly.”
  “My daughter is the smart one; my son is the athlete.”

Comparing children is easy, but have you ever thought about what these comparisons might be doing to your child? Children strive to do the best that they can do with their own, individual abilities. But when their parents begin to compare them to a sibling or another child, the effect can be long-term, says Prairie Point Elementary school counselor Bridgett Pfaff.

 

“Being compared can have a long-term effect on the child because it will always be in the back of their mind,” Pfaff says. “I think it takes their confidence level down as they’re trying to also live up to different standards than what they’re used to. It hinders them from being their own individual.”

 

An easy way to resist the temptation to compare your children is by being more accepting of each child as an individual.

“It helps to individualize and focus on one trait or one skill that each child has. If one is good at soccer, then focus on soccer with that child. If another child loves to read, focus on that interest and strength with that child. It’s important to allow for their individual achievements,” Pfaff says.

 

Putting pressure on your child to be like someone else can be detrimental in more ways than one. Not only will it stick in the backs of their minds, but some children may respond by giving up. Also, a child who feels less admired by a parent is unlikely to turn to that parent for help when he/she needs it. Sure, some children may react completely differently and actually work harder in order to compete with the favored sibling or friend. But will the lasting negative effect on their relationships be worth it?

 

“When children start comparing themselves to others and striving to be like them, they’re not developing in their own ways and doing their own things,” Pfaff says. “It can definitely mess up relationships with siblings and friends because there starts to be jealousy and negative feelings.”

 

Children are already aware of their differences. However, hearing it from a parent puts a whole new spin on things. Everything you say to your child may seriously impact his/her self-esteem and well-being for life.

 

“It’s important for parents to keep an open mind and not expect the same things from their children or their peers. Looking at each individual separately will help parents appreciate the differences within their family,” Pfaff concludes.

So, the next time you feel the urge to compare your child to another, bite your tongue. Instead, point out your child’s particular behavior or personality without making reference to a sibling or peer. Simply describe what you see, what you like, what you don’t like or what needs to be done.

Remember that each child is an individual. It’s easier to hold back on comparisons when you’ve found something special to value about each child. And by not being compared, your children will grow up a whole lot happier and more confident with their own abilities.

Gina Klein is a busy mom who writes both freelance and fiction. She resides in Kansas City with her husband, two little girls and two pups.

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