Liar, Liar

Babyhood is hard. There’s no question about that. The unknown world of parenting has just begun, and on top of that is the oppressive lack of sleep. But when looking at your new baby, seldom do you think of this innocent little one boldly lying to your face.

These young liars are still quite innocent, though. According to DrJamesDobson.org, parents need to “first, understand that a young child may or may not fully comprehend the difference between lies and the truth. There is a very thin line between fantasy and reality in the mind of a preschool boy or girl. So before you react in a heavy-handed manner, be sure you know what he understands and what his intent is.”

We don’t want to limit their imaginations when they are pretending to be a super hero or a doctor, but it is easy to get frustrated when it’s obvious your child is lying. Take a moment to consider why your child is lying in the first place. Lying occurs when trying to get out of an unpleasant consequence or preventing your beloved mommy or daddy from becoming upset with you. This is why a finger may be pointed unfairly or why a child adamantly believes that his imaginary buddy broke Mommy’s special decoration. Considering this, it’s easier to be more understanding to your child and make this a teachable moment.

Children may lie for other reasons, too. They may be trying to please their parents or might have actual confusion between what is actually real and what they wish were real. Perhaps we have set them up to respond in a certain way, according to OneTimeThrough.com. If we as parents come across an entire bag of sugar spilled on the floor, we may reactively yell, “Who did this?!” The child is most likely going to lie to try to get out of the obvious trouble they will be in if they tell the truth.

Katie Kuhlman, Olathe mother of three, seems to have a good handle on this parenting dilemma. “I personally don't use the term ‘lying’ with my kids. I don't think they really know that they are lying at 2 and 4 years old. If they aren't telling the truth or are fibbing, I always remind them that Jesus knows what went on even if Mommy didn't, and it's best to tell the truth,” she says. “It's not making a big deal of the situation, which I think draws less attention to it. Therefore—hopefully—they don't want to do it again. We don't have a consistent lying problem in our house, but if someone does bend the truth, I just gently remind them.”

What should we as parents do if (or, more accurately, when) our child lies? “Parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, lying and telling the truth, the importance of honesty at home and in the community and alternatives to lying,” suggests AmericanAcademyofChild&AdolescentPsychiatry.org.

A couple of other local moms from Overland Park have some easy questions or comments to use with lying in their families. “I ask if it is a true story or a story story,” says Jennifer Farrell, mother of two. Meredith Barreth, mother of three, says, “I tell my kids that we are truth tellers in our family.”

For older children, FocusOnTheFamily.com suggests to “draw up a contract with your child. After everyone agrees that lying, for example, is a cause for correction, establish and transcribe a reasonable punishment. Have you and your child sign and date the document. Then, whenever a situation comes up that would invite lying, gently remind him about the contract. Knowing that you will follow through on the penalty may be the extra incentive your child needs to choose to tell the truth.”

In our house, simply checking on their obedience is an obvious way to know whether our children are telling the truth. For instance, if I have asked them to pick up the playroom and they say they have and are playing somewhere else, I simply ask if I can go check the playroom. If they were not telling the truth I will hear, “No, no, no!” as they run to go do what I had already asked them to do. If they are being truthful, it won’t matter whether Mom checks on their obedience.

Stephanie Loux is a mommy to two preschoolers and writes from her home in Olathe.