Mom Pressure

The minute a woman declares she is pregnant, she has 100 “mom professors” offering “you should” classes on everything from changing diapers to selecting a college. Throw in a blizzard of blogs and stories about genius advanced kids that walk at 6 months, read at age 2 and are being recruited by Harvard at age 7  and, naturally, moms in all stages of parenting question themselves. “Am I doing enough?”

To add to the self-induced pressure, moms are also vulnerable to pressure within their peer group: “mom pressure.”  We all can attest to a feeling that we are being judged by other moms. It might be a quick glance your way when your kid is throwing sand on the playground, a questioning tone, “Are you NOT breastfeeding?” or simply silence—not being invited to a play date or birthday party.

I recently asked the following question to three local mothers:

Have you ever felt judged as a mom?  

Our panel includes a stay-at-home mom, a single mom and a working mom. Their answers are open, honest and shed light on the fact that motherhood, under any condition, comes with joys and celebrations, as well as challenges and insecurities.

Amy Arthur, Overland Park stay-at-home mom to three daughters says: "I am thankful that my circumstance worked out to where I could be a stay-at-home mom. Although this job is not easy, one of the hardest parts is the pressure I put on myself on how good of a job I do daily. Do I play with them enough? Do I teach them enough? There is a constant "mommy guilt" checking in to see if I am doing everything to the best of my ability."

  In addition to the pressure I place on myself, I have also had circumstances where I have been challenged by friends. I had a friend tell me that she wanted to teach her children the value of education and balancing work outside the home with being a mom. Does that mean that my kids are lacking in knowing how to balance life?  

As my kids got older, a little bit of competition began as to who enrolled in what class,  whose child was reciting their ABCs already, who cooked the healthiest dinner, etc... Also, depending on the group, there was a little bit of label envy. Whose little girl wore the best clothes, shoes or bow in her hair, etc.

Even though some of those things were an underlying feeling, having confidence in your own parenting is extremely important in overcoming both the judgment and being judgmental. After stumbling upon these issues at the beginning, I quickly learned that each family has its own ways of being successful in dealing with children. Over time, I have gained knowledge and confidence, knowing that many of those issues do not matter.

Melissa Lising, Prairie Village single mom to her 4-year-old son, says: "As a single mother, I’ve learned that judgment is part of the territory. I feel the judgments I’ve experienced have more to do with why and how I came into single mommyhood versus my actual parenting style. Although my family did not start out traditionally, the love is just as real as anyone else’s. My son came from two parents in a loving relationship (however, unmarried), and the judgments began as my unplanned pregnancy became obvious. I felt pity from some, disappointment from more, and excitement and happiness from others. With time, I’ve learned to ignore and even laugh at some of the ridicule, because I know in my heart that I am a very competent, caring and loving mother."

I will admit it’s easier to shrug off judgments from strangers than those coming from people or places important to you. For example, I remember going to different churches trying to decide where I wanted my son baptized. My faith is very important to me, and I was looking forward to this special day. I had explained to the baptismal coordinator that his father would not be present. Somehow the conversation ended with her stating, “Well, these are some of the consequences from the choices you made.”  When it comes from places like your church, and even best friend you love, the judgment stings quite a bit more. I don’t believe the comments were meant to be hurtful, but whether they realize it or not, they were made with judgment.

Becoming a single mom was incredibly difficult and hard to accept….HOWEVER, I feel like it’s made me an even stronger woman and mother. My son is a beautiful, happy, healthy, fun-loving 4-year-old who loves his mama.  Single mom or not, that’s a whole lot of blessed to be grateful for.

Angie Lister, Lenexa working mom of one daughter and two sons, says: "I have felt a sense of inadequacy as a working parent at times. My mother was able to stay at home with us growing up, and I envisioned doing the same for my children. I felt for a long time that I wasn’t going to be as good of a parent because I work outside the home and that my children were going to have a childhood that would be lacking compared to those families that have stay-at-home moms. Some innocent comments from others such as, "I don't see how you do it!" or "Wow! You are strong!” can leave working moms feeling unsure if they just received a compliment. I have learned, though, that I judge myself much harder than anyone else is judging me."

One of the biggest challenges of being a working mom is balancing family and work. My family is my priority whether I am at home with them or not. It is very important to me that I give 100 percent to my family and 100 percent to my job. With so many working moms in society today, I am enjoying being the best I can be both as a parent and in my career.

So, what’s the common denominator?  Mothers are human and worry about whether they are doing enough, providing enough and being enough for their children. I challenge all moms, in the spirit of Mother’s Day, to cast away your judgments and insecurities and feel confident that you ARE enough.  Most importantly, take pride in having the best and most important job on earth.

Amanda Doll is a working mom who is guilty of judging and being judged. She is ready to combat mom pressure with mom support!