Raising Confident Kids
When I was pregnant with my daughter eight years ago, I bumped into a former teacher as I was out shopping to prepare the nursery. I was stressed out at the time with concerns about getting the baby’s room, car seat, bottles and the seemingly dozens of other things we needed to get ready prior to Baby’s arrival. My teacher calmed me down as she advised me of our greater role as parents:
“Jane,” she said, “all these tangible things will come and go. Remember the one truly important job you have as a parent is to raise independent, confident children.”
Eight years and two children later, I realize that
a) my teacher was right—there is always a work-around if you don’t have the right thing on hand, and
b) raising confident, independent children may be the hardest job we have as parents!
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to get answers from one of Kansas City’s top experts on the subject, Randy B. Floyd, LSCSW, Midwest Anxiety, LLC.
One of the key factors in raising confident children, according to Floyd, is encouraging your children to handle all types of situations—even uncomfortable ones—by themselves.
“By parents allowing their child to step outside of his or her comfort zone, the parent conveys, ‘You can handle it.’ The goal of this active ‘trial and error’ parenting style allows the child to develop the necessary skills to become independent at the various developmental stages,” says Floyd.
“It is important for parents to encourage their child to build personal skills to manage distressing situations rather than the child’s expecting the parent to assist in avoiding, accommodating and reassuring during the distressing situation,” continues Floyd.
Floyd also encourages parents to hold back from “rescuing” their children during difficult or uncomfortable situations. This is something we overprotective parents may find to be the most important—and challenging—rule to follow.
“Rather than trying to control the environment or situation, assist the child in understanding the things he can control: the way that he thinks, feels and acts during distressing situations,” says Floyd.
Along those lines, Floyd encourages parents to create “a ‘family operating system’ that emphasizes choices, learning and adapting” to foster childhood development. “Establishing a system of active behavioral experimentation, learning and adjusting to situations will increase the child’s independence and ability to better tolerate distressing situations without parental assistance,” he advises.
Even simple things like chores can lead to effective teaching moments.
“I give my boys age-appropriate chores or tasks to do around the house,” says Sarah Squires, Lee’s Summit mother of two, and hairstylist at Embellish. “They take out the trash and put away their own laundry. They are also expected to clean up after they eat. Even though those are simple tasks that I could do myself and, at times, may cause friction when someone doesn’t feel like doing their chores, I feel it’s important to encourage them to do independent tasks,” she says. “They get excited to help around the house, and it boosts their confidence in their own abilities.”
Floyd says, “If you model ‘life is an experiment,’ your child will learn from you...and what kid does not like to experiment?”
Jane Blumenthal Martin lives in Overland Park with her husband and two children.