Raising Your Tomboy

You won’t catch them wearing dresses or the color pink. Nor will you see them playing with dolls, holding pom-poms or splashing makeup on their cheeks. Instead, you’ll find these girls hanging with the guys, jumping on skateboards, playing sports, shopping in the boys’ clothing sections and retaliating against all things girly. So what are parents to do when their daughter is a … tomboy? First of all, relax--and welcome her with open arms.

The term tomboy can be traced back to 1553 when it was used to describe a "rude, boisterous boy." Another reference, in 1579, defines a tomboy as a "bold or immodest woman," and then finally in 1592 it developed its modern meaning of a “girl who acts like a boy.” While tomboys of the past were not well-accepted, they’ve come a long way in today’s society as people have become more accepting of each other’s differences. Tomboys are known to be strong-willed women who are comfortable in their own skin, and most are just as sweet and pretty as the girly-girl next door.

What exactly makes them prefer the masculine things, no one is sure--not much research has been done. While some think that higher levels of testosterone developed during pregnancy could be a contributing factor, others believe it’s the exposure a girl receives from her surroundings. If a girl is surrounded by mostly males, she will develop the interests and attitudes common among boys.

April Pfannenstiel, K-5 physical education/health teacher in the Raytown school district, says that being around boys was definitely an influence in her younger years. “In my neighborhood, I was one of the only girls, and I had to hold my own to prove I could stay and play,” she says.

Growing up, Pfannenstiel was a tomboy; she loved being outside with the boys, getting dirty and playing ball in the street. Being girly wasn’t for her.

“My mom would try to encourage me to dress up more, wear makeup in high school and go shopping with her, and basically do the things that moms look forward to doing with their daughters,” Pfannenstiel says. “I wanted to do the opposite. It frustrated me, but I think it frustrated her even more.”

Liberty mom Jackie Murtha says her first “a-ha” moment (that her daughter was a tomboy) was when now 15-year-old daughter, Shelby, received a doll at the age of 5. “She opened the package on Christmas and literally threw the doll and said, ‘Yuck!’ (or something to that effect),” she says.

Today, Shelby can be found donning boys’ clothing, building things, longboarding (riding a longer skateboard), playing sports and hanging out with best friend, Jacob.

“They’ve been best friends since first grade. They’re inseparable,” her mom says.

Kathy Johnson of Polo, Mo., says her 13-year-old daughter, Jenna, also showed signs of being a tomboy at a very young age. In a house full of boys, her dad and brothers were a huge influence on her.

“I noticed when she was very young that she had no interest in baby dolls and would rather play with her brothers,” she says. “Halloween costumes were ninjas, Power Rangers, vampires, the grim reaper and army girl. Never did she want to be a princess.”

Once parents get over the initial shock that their daughter isn’t girly, Murtha and Johnson admit that raising a tomboy is easy. While they tried early on to make their daughters girly, they soon learned that it only made things worse.

“I don't want to be molded into someone I'm not, and I don't want that for Jenna either,” Johnson says. “There are so many things in life that are more important than being girly. As parents, we should support and encourage our children to be themselves.”

Murtha agrees. “I’ve accepted who Shelby is. It’s easier to accept who your child is than to try to change them. I’m much happier that she’s her own person and doesn’t try to be someone she’s not.”

As a P.E. teacher, Pfannenstiel works with both tomboys and girly-girls every day. While she agrees that parents should encourage their daughters to play outside and get dirty, she also says not to forget to teach the basics of being a girl. Open communication is the key to raising a tomboy.

“Ask questions; why be against it? Some of the most famous tomboys are amazing athletes, but they know how to dress up for the ESPY awards or a date,” she says. “These women will tell you that their parents were always supportive of them and made sure that they had everything they needed ... especially unconditional love.”

Gina Klein writes from her home in Kansas City where she’s surrounded by the color pink, Barbie dolls and princess clothing.