Squash Sibling Squabbles
Can’t they all just get along? One minute, they’re playing nicely. The next, they’re arguing, calling names and bringing on tears. In homes with more than one child, sibling rivalry happens—and at all ages. However, just because it’s common doesn’t make it any easier on your sanity as a parent.
For just a moment, put yourself in your child’s shoes, because more than likely, you’ve been there. When the second little one comes along, the first child gets demoted and feels less than. Then, as he gets a little older, child number two gets tired of being bossed around by the big brother or sister all the time. Thus the squabbles begin. Is there a magical way to stop the arguments entirely? No, but you can reduce the frequency. Here are some wonderful tips on preventing sibling rivalry and putting a stop to squabbles before they get too heated:
Introduce them early. Once your second baby is in utero, let your first-born get acquainted with her new sibling. Let her talk to the baby in your tummy, listen to his heartbeat and feel the baby’s kicks. Show her how to welcome the new baby and care for him once he arrives.
Divvy up attention. Plan to give each child at least 10 to 20 minutes of positive, individual attention every day from each parent. This will keep little ones from fighting for it.
Don’t label. Labeling your kids as the smart one, the athletic one or the pretty one creates competition among them. Instead, ditch the labels so your not-so-athletic child can shine even if she’s not the best runner or player, your not-so-brainy child can be proud of his work and all your children will know and understand that all are beautiful just as they are. This, in turn, will help the children root for one another instead of competing for their parents’ approval.
Teach peace. Work with your kids on how to take turns, use the “I feel” statements (e.g., “I feel sad when you make fun of my Lego creation”) and how to walk away and control their tempers by counting to 10 or finding a quiet space in the house to be alone until they feel better.
Stay out of it. When your children are arguing, don’t jump right in. Allow them the time to work it out on their own. If they can’t, you might have to step in. Listen to each child’s side of the story, then, without taking sides, ask them to come up with some solutions. If they can’t, give them some suggestions so they can come up with an agreeable resolution. This, in turn, teaches them how to compromise. If you give them the tools, they eventually will have the confidence they can work it out themselves.
Never discount or demean your older children. Don’t tell her to be a big girl, act grown up or be more understanding. Remember that older kids have feelings, too. Show empathy, and you’ll receive a lot more cooperation. Say things such as, “Of course you feel this way,” or “I completely understand.” Empathy goes a long way.
Avoid gossip. Never discuss one child with the other. You don’t like to be talked about behind your back, so be courteous with your children and avoid the gossip.
Don’t force them to share their own toys. What’s theirs is theirs. Allow them to decide whether they want their sibling(s) playing with their toys. If not, that’s okay. Have toys that are shared by everyone in the playroom, but allow kids to oversee the toys that belong solely to them.
Post a set of rules in your home. Then, set up a family meeting to discuss them. Rules are an effective preventative strategy. Don’t hit, treat each other with respect, don’t take someone else’s things without asking first, and always make amends when you hurt someone or damage something are all good examples.
Mom and author Gina Klein resides in Kansas City with her two daughters, husband and houseful of animals.