Accentuate the Positive
Those little eyes are always watching, and little ears are always listening. You are their hero, and they want to be just like you. Watching little ones model your behaviors is heartwarming, but sometimes they model the not-so-flattering habits as well.
“My 7-year-old daughter uses phrases I use, and she will correct her younger brother or calm him in the same manner that she has seen me correct or calm him,” says Jamie Jansen, Kansas City mother of two, ages 3 and 7. "My 3-year-old will follow his older cousins around doing everything they do, and I know he wants to be like his dad when he grows up.”
Anna Saviano, licensed professional counselor in the Kansas City area, is not surprised by this behavior. “Children pay special attention to the behavior of adults. They notice everything, and the primary caregivers have the biggest impact," she says. "Kids repeat what they have witnessed.”
Saviano communicates to parents that because of those watchful eyes and always open ears, caregivers and other adults should be cautious of their behaviors. “As caregivers, we need to be especially mindful of what we model. It is good for us to present behaviors that are consistent with our directions to our children, as they build their trust for others by watching what they say and what they do and the congruence in those behaviors,” she says.
While putting your best foot forward is always the goal, parents are human too and have moments their children see that are not ideal.
“There have been times where I have been frazzled, to say the least, trying to time manage the stresses of life, and I have behaved in a manner I would have preferred to have managed differently,” says Kansas City-area mother of three Krista McGee. She understands that these moments are bound to happen and makes an effort to address them by talking it through. “When I act in a way I’m not proud of,” she says, “I make sure that I take a moment to talk to my kids about how I should have acted.”
Jansen seconds these thoughts. “Sometimes my daughter will lose patience and yell at her brother, and when I correct her she reminds me that she has seen me do it,” she says. “I acknowledge that she is correct and apologize. I let her know that, yes, I do yell at times, but that doesn’t make it right and that we all have to work to do better.”
Saviano supports talking through when you don’t quite get it right. “I always start with describing what happened. If I have demonstrated a bad behavior, I own it. I don’t want to deny reality, and I want to be honest with my children,” she says. “I apologize for my actions and make sure it’s clear that we all make mistakes. I like to brainstorm ideas for how to handle it better the next time a difficult situation arises.”
Having an understanding of the values and vision that you have for your family and the goals you have for your children is a good first step in managing how you behave.
“This speaks to knowing your family’s values. Children will model what they observe, so our actions must also be congruent with our values,” Saviano says. “This includes everything from language to tone of voice. We can’t expect our kids to be patient, understanding or flexible when they don’t like a situation or person if we aren’t.”
McGee stresses the values of listening and communicating effectively in their household. Her goal is for those values to carry out to her children’s social experiences. “When my children get upset or have a conflict, I make sure to listen to their concerns and comfort them accordingly. I feel like listening is a key attribute and want to make sure that my kids see that in how I treat them and others,” she says.
Jansen agrees that communicating is a key skill to model and teach her children. “I make sure to have a conversation with my children and discuss different ways to handle a situation when things don’t go well instead of yelling or storming off,” she says.
At the end of the day, being real is the most important thing you can be for your kids. And while your behaviors might not always be on target, your open, honest conversations and apologies will.
Karah Chapman is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area.