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Avoiding the Gender Trap: Teaching Kids to Dodge Stereotypes

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Hands up if this sounds familiar: Your son fashions his morning toast into a pistol, taking aim at his sister, who’s quietly dressing her Barbie doll. He can’t sit still; her wardrobe is 90 percent pink. You wonder how this happened; you thought you’d raised them the same way. Do our kids tumble into prescribed gender stereotypes no matter what we do? And is that all right? Despite what seem to be predestined gender roles, parents do have options—and we should exercise them, say experts, to help our kids become well-rounded adults.

The Real Differences

    How much of gender identity is learned versus innate? Everyone from neurologists to philosophers have argued this issue. Mary E. Kelly, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Central Missouri, is also the director of Women and Gender Studies there. She says that gender is constructed, not inborn. “Natural is the ‘n’ word for sociologists,” says Kelly. Gender constructs “change over time in one area, and of course they vary from culture to culture.”

    Lise Eliot would agree. A professor of neuroscience at the Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science, Eliot is the author of Pink Brain, Blue Brain (Houghton Mifflin, 2009), a new study of the differences in the brains of boys and girls. While small differences do appear to be genetic, Eliot says that the big gaps—in verbal versus math skills, aggression, empathy and mechanical aptitude—are not born of natural abilities. Such traits are “massively amplified by the different sorts of practice, role models, and reinforcement that boys and girls are exposed to from birth onward,” she writes.

    Parents are a child’s first tour guides to the larger world. Our messages are even more crucial when you consider, as Kelly says, that our kids “may be getting very different messages in preschool,” as well as from the all-powerful media. A Lee’s Summit mom of two boys, she cites one example: Her youngest son quickly doused his interest in a beloved toy once a peer labeled it “for girls.” So how can parents stem the tide of stereotypical messages sent to our sons and daughters?

Offer Variety

    Lenexa mom Kim Meyers has made a point of giving her three boys a wide range of opportunities: “They’d do soccer and art lessons and theater lessons—anything I could imagine that would be different that they might like to try.” As a result, her high school age son thrives in the arts while her youngest is crazy for ice hockey. Meyers stresses that it’s important not to push activities that kids resist, but rather to offer as many choices as possible. “If parents don’t send the message that it’s okay to be interested” in different activities, says Meyers, a child’s talent in a specific area may go untapped.

    Kristy Boney, a Pleasant Hill mother of a toddler, agrees kids should be well-rounded. She intends to introduce her son both to music lessons and sports as he grows older. In the meantime, they go to the museum and on other outings, which Boney believes is valuable to developing a cultural awareness.

Be a Role Model

    Consider the behavioral messages you send your kids. Kristy Boney hopes that her “very independent and career-oriented” personality positively influences her son’s ideas about women. And in a traditional household, where Dad works and Mom tends the home, look for ways to mix it up. Dad and sons can fix the occasional meal; Mom can wield the tool belt once in awhile with a daughter’s help. Above all, avoid comments like “that’s women’s work” or “that’s just a boy thing.”

Be Alert to Media Messages

    Whether you like it or not, your children are learning a lot from TV. Challenge what they see in advertisements and on their favorite shows. Ask what your kids think about the way characters act and react to males and females. A hint: If a scene makes you wince, talk about it.

The Effects of a Gender-Neutral Household

    Concerned that your child will be befuddled by all this gender neutrality? Kelly says that’s the last thing parents need to worry about. “By raising your kids gender-neutral, you’re not going to confuse them,” she assures us. “Every message they get in society is, ‘you’re a girl or you’re a boy, so this is what is available to you.’” Lise Eliot’s research shows that book-loving boys and soccer-loving girls are both quite clear on which restroom to use at school. True gender confusion, says Eliot, is inborn and won’t be influenced by which toys kids play with or which parent cooks dinner.

     Boney says she’s more concerned about values than gender. Is your child aware of the world around him? Is she savvy about the messages she receives? Are they open-minded about other cultures, both in our own society and in others? We all want our children to become well-rounded adults, regardless of gender. The key is to nurture each individual’s unique talents and to help our children be proud of the adults they turn out to be.

 

GENDER-NEUTRAL TOYS

Different options help kids expand their horizons. To encourage interest, Mom and Dad need to get down on the floor and play, too. Some ideas:

Claire M. Caterer, a freelance writer living in Shawnee, contributes regularly to KC Parent.

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