Beyond the Man Cave

There’s no getting around it: Kids come with a lot of stuff.  Even for organized moms, containing the clutter isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s just plain intrusive. Because my husband never said much about stepping over stuffed animals or finding Legos in his lounge chair, I assumed the chaos didn’t bother him.

Early one morning, we were both a little growly. One thing led to another, and soon we were bickering over the items on his nightstand. “It’s my nightstand, and I’ll do whatever I want to with it!” he said. His statement left me startled and confused. When I asked him about it later, he said, “Sometimes I just want a space untouched by the kids.”

As it turns out, his request isn’t uncommon. And while the growing popularity of man caves indicates men are getting the space they crave, sometimes it’s more about respect.

“A man’s world is based on performance and approval,” explains Dr. Scott Brown, a licensed psychologist with Priority Care Pediatrics and a Liberty father of three. “At home, the number one way a man feels loved as a father and a husband is to have his feelings validated. He is one of two masters of the castle, and there are certain rules and expectations that are important to him, even if they aren’t to anyone else. It means something to him when his family respects those expectations.”

At Dr. Brown’s house, this means respecting Dad’s chair. “When I come home in the evening, I want to sit in my chair,” says Brown. “There is a table next to it, and it might have some books, half a can of Diet Coke and my fingerboard banjo. Sometimes my kids set stuff on the table or sit in the chair. I don’t get upset, but it’s my area.”

For dads who don’t have a dedicated man cave, defining and respecting their space is even more important.  “We have a play kitchen, activity table and toy shopping cart sitting right under the big TV that my husband paid an electrician to custom install. I wouldn’t be surprised if sometimes he weeps when he’s watching ESPN,” Joanie Spencer, an Overland Park mom, jokes.  “His car is a safe place for him. In my car, I have kid music, snacks, toys, you name it—and it ends up strewn everywhere. My husband doesn’t really tolerate any of that, especially with his new car. I have noticed he tends to compromise less when it comes to his vehicle. Maybe it’s a ‘rolling man cave.’”

The concept of a safe place is an important one for men, according to Grant Wood, a Brookside father of two and a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist at Overland Park-based Resonate Relationship Clinic, which he owns with his wife, Emma. “Men need a place to go where they can feel safe. When people get married and have a family, they don’t automatically lose that feeling of ‘mine.’ Men need a place where they can feel safe and where they can be themselves.”

How can families make sure Dad feels valued and respected? Wood encourages men to ask for what they need. This is not always easy, considering expressing emotion is not men’s default setting. He also recommends teaching children the value of self and the importance of spending time alone. Setting boundaries and explaining what areas or items in the house are off-limits is also important. Asking Dad to help the family understand why certain spaces, objects and expectations are important to him and then honoring his requests is another way to show respect. Lastly, Wood reminds families that just because Dad has an interest he likes to spend time on does not mean he’s neglecting the family.

“Men will go to elaborate lengths to get their time and space without even realizing it,” adds Dr. Brown. “In order for the family to flow smoothly, it needs to recognize and respect these needs.”

But not every man has the same space requirements. “Being an only child, I wondered how it would be to have others invade my personal space,” says Woody Acosta, a Kansas City dad of two. “Before making the huge commitment to start a family, I had to come to terms with the fact that my personal space would become a fantasy, and having a family would require me to share or even surrender it. The good news is that my family has done the same for me. As a result, I have had no issues with my personal space. In fact, I call it my ‘sharing space.’ I have no desire for a man cave because I think of it as my family cave.”

Respecting Dad’s space …

• Encourage him to ask for what he needs.
• Teach children the value of self and the importance of spending time alone.
• Set boundaries and explain what areas or items are off limits.
• Honor Dad’s requests to respect his spaces, objects and expectations.
• Make sure he has time to engage in his interests.

Mari Rydings is a freelance writer, editor and blogger from Platte Woods.  She lives with her husband, twin girls and neurotic dog, Nixon. When she’s not working, she enjoys reading with her girls, playing Blob Tag with her family and eating Oreo cookies.