Parenting a Perfectionist

Clothes having to match. Toys arranged in neat rows. Outbursts over not being able to get a task right the first time. These behaviors can indicate to parents that they may have a perfectionist on their hands, for better or worse.

Perfectionists have high standards. Perfectionists can be driven to achieve. But they also can get tied up in knots over their expectations of themselves. And as psychologist Madeline Levine suggests in her book Teach Your Children Well, performance-oriented children “are so afraid of failing that they challenge themselves far less, take fewer risks, and therefore limit opportunities for growth.”

How can parents recognize a perfectionist tendency in their child? And what actions can they take to help their child do his best without getting hung up on “best” never being good enough? A few experts and parents offer their advice:

Model Making Mistakes

The truth is as adults we also can struggle with setting our standards too high for ourselves. We may not handle our own failure well, unwittingly communicating a negative attitude toward mistakes. Instead, we can help our children by admitting our own behavior needs an adjustment.

“You don’t want to stress that children shouldn’t make mistakes in the first place,” says Dr. Wendy Grolnick, psychologist and author of Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids. “You want to have the attitude that mistakes are our friends. We learn from them.”

Kelly Arabie, a mom of two, works to pass this attitude along to her kids. “The faith journey I’ve been on has taught me that life is very much a process and that I’m not going to be perfect as long as I’m living. It’s a gift I can give my children to be able to share that with them.”

Be willing to point out mistakes you’ve made. Talk about the outcome—how it didn’t derail life and that it doesn’t reflect poorly on you. Explain what you’ll do to correct the mistake or what you plan to do differently the next time. Let your child see you learn from your mistakes.

Focus on the Process Not the Outcome

Perfectionists tend to be most concerned about the end product. Oftentimes a perfectionist will redo work over and over in an attempt to achieve a flawless result. But they miss the enjoyment of learning along the way. Unfortunately, these children don’t always gain much for their efforts: A York University study of elementary and middle school students found that perfectionists didn’t score any better than their peers.

But don’t tell a perfectionist that. His competitive nature will only push him harder toward the goal of doing better than others. Of course, as Dr. Grolnick points out, our outcome-based academic culture isn’t helping these kids any either. “There’s more competition than ever before. There’s more stress on grades and standardized test scores,” she says. “It is a setup for kids focusing on outcomes.”

Parents can help by encouraging their child to recognize his growth and what he has learned from an assignment or task. Instead of asking “What grade did you get?”, ask “What did you learn about today?” or “What stood out from the unit you just completed?”

It’s important for parents to talk about what they’re learning, too. “I would like to see learning as a lifetime process and help my children to see that as well,” says Arabie. Children appreciate seeing that Mom and Dad are still acquiring knowledge and skills. And they’re still enjoying the act of learning itself.

A focus on outcomes also can foster an aversion to challenges. Perfectionists will stick with tasks they’re sure to complete well, instead of delving into new territory. Dr. Levine says, “The best way we can help our children welcome challenges is to encourage them to work just outside their comfort zone, stand by to lend a hand when needed and model enthusiasm for challenging tasks.”

Live with Limits

Parents also may find their child letting natural deadlines speed up her work—procrastination is common among perfectionists. For a procrastinator, break up projects into smaller pieces and set mini-deadlines for achieving each of those chunks.

Perfectionists also need to learn to live with their own limits. This means acknowledging that the ideal in their head may not be possible in the real world.

Validate the Child for Who He Is

Parents can inadvertently communicate that they value accomplishment and results, what Grolnick calls “contingent parental regard,” by giving more attention when a child performs well and less when he doesn’t. It’s easy to slip into when parents want to praise a child for work well done, but it can work against parents when the child associates the praise with being valued for what he does.

Let your child know your love is unconditional. Be vocal about it. Arabie echoes this in how she talks with her children. She’ll tell them, “I love you for who you are and not what you do.”

As you implement any or all of these strategies, remember parenting any child, perfectionist or not, is an imperfect job done by imperfect people. Which makes each of us practically perfect for doing it.

Lara Krupicka is a freelance writer, mom to three girls and sometimes a perfectionist herself.